A post from the heart

April 25, 2017 at 11:34 am (My ramblings)

I’ve been having major meltdowns lately and I feel like I’m stuck in the big stink. πŸ’© I’ve been Miss Cranky pants and getting irritated with pretty much everything and I cry at the drop of a hat. All this rain doesn’t help either as I have seasonal affective disorder, which is why I’m always chasing the sun. β˜€ I need to live on a Caribbean island 🏝 

I’m getting my 11th chemo infusion right now and I just want a break from cancer. I don’t want to be fatigued, have numb fingers and toes or not be able to form thoughts in my brain. Chemo does so much more than make you nauseous and bald. It affects your memory and how you process information, like planning and organizing. The littlest things that I used to love and enjoy overwhelm me so much now. I’m so grateful I can still crochet because I would lose my mind if I couldn’t. 

It’s so hard to fathom that this is all happening for a reason and although I don’t understand it, my faith tells me I don’t have to. I just have to be available for whatever Christ wants to do through me. Sometimes I don’t like it and sometimes I want to stick out my tongue and blow raspberries or stomp my foot on the ground and have a temper tantrum. Some days it’s so hard to function and I try my best to go through the motions but it’s hard living with a death sentence over your head. I try to focus on life and living in the moment but having stage 4 cancer is always on my mind. Yes, I take my thoughts captive but I’m also human and it’s hard to have that looming over you day in and day out. I wish I would’ve never asked my oncologist what my life expectancy was because 4 years was not at all what I was expecting to hear. I know I’m not going to die in exactly 4 years but that’s not the best odds. I do believe God still does the miraculous and I am hoping for a miracle because the thought of dying at 55 seems like a waste. I know God doesn’t waste anything so I’m trusting in His plan for my life. I know He made it before I was born and every day was written before any of them came to be. 

This has been a tough week and I so appreciate your prayers. I just started taking an antidepressant to help me get through this, even though I didn’t want to. I’m trying to limit medications so my liver doesn’t have to work so hard. 

Yesterday I decided to go to Charlotte for 2 weeks to get away from cancer and chemo. I just need a break. I need a peaceful retreat and to get my head back in the game. There’s something about waking up and having the bright sunshine stream in then walking Kiku around the lake, feeding the geese and turtles. And, my gbabies just happen to live 5 minutes away 😁

I wanted to thank everyone who made me meals. It was truly a blessing and great to catch up with so many of you. The proof’s on the scale, I gained 3 lbs 😳
Prayer requests:

  • Healing,  obviously πŸ˜‰
  • I have a ct scan in a few weeks andthey’ll measure how much my tumors have shrunk 
  • I’m trying to get my health insurance to cover the oncologist in Charlotte, I’ll get a discount but it’s not 100% covered like my regular one here. I’m calling them today
  • My oldest gbaby Alathea has a horse competition this weekend, pray for her safety and that she’ll do well
  • Pray for my awesome hubby Ken for strength and stamina, I can’t even imagine how hard this has been on him, this is his third tour with cancer 
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3 Comments

  1. David Newell said,

    Rachel

    Thanks for being so transparent about your situation. You are being way too hard on yourself! Your love for Jesus is so evident despite your difficult circumstances. In my personal devotions I have been reading in Joshua. It is apparent that God wants Joshua to be strong and courageous!! You are probably the most courageous Woman I have ever met! Keep your Faith in God and His will will be accomplished,

    You are an Inspiration to Deb & I.

  2. Patrick Malone said,

    Rachel, the trip south sounds like a good idea. I’ll see if I can have coffee with your lovely husband soon. One day at a time trusting only in Christ. It is the way we are all supposed to live in the goo times too.

  3. wendy lane said,

    Praying specifically for each request. Loving on you in thoughts and prayers over and over and over. Love, Wendy

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