The Ugly Side of Chemo

September 23, 2014 at 11:01 am (My ramblings) (Breast Cancer, faith)

Chemo is the most horrendous thing I’ve ever been through in my life and I’ve been through a lot. There aren’t adequate words to describe the way it makes you feel. I’ve never seen anyone go through it and the only thing I ever knew about it was what I saw on TV. I thought it was just going bald and throwing up a lot and I wished that’s all it was. You may not want to read this post because I have decided to be brutally honest. Don’t get me wrong, I still know that God is on the throne and that He is working out everything for my good but that doesn’t mean I have to feel good about it.

I had my 4th infusion last Wednesday and I still feel very weak and fatigued. It’s a different kind of fatigue then just being tired. It’s a deep down in your bone tired where it takes all your energy just to walk up a flight of stairs. Since I’m bald now, my showers take about 5 minutes and by the time I’m done, I have to lay down and rest. I can barely walk through a grocery store without having to stop to rest. I thought having Fibromyalgia was bad but that’s a cakewalk compared to chemo. I constantly feel like I’ve run a 100 mile marathon and my legs are very shaky and weak. I’ve been anemic so I’m sure that’s not helping and unfortunately chemo anemia can’t be cured by taking iron. The only way to get my red blood cells up is to have a transfusion, which I will have to have soon.

For some reason, yesterday and today have been the hardest days for me emotionally. I get out of the shower and look in the mirror and I see myself with no hair and my pale pallor and I can’t help crying. I only starting my breast cancer journey 3 months ago and to see the changes in such a short time saddens me. I’m not talking about vanity here but the reality of cancer and the devastating effects of chemo. I keep telling myself that chemo is not the enemy, it’s the solution but my body feels differently. I’m just praying that it will not be for nothing and it will kill all the cancer cells.

I’m grateful that I only have 2 more treatments then I’ll be done with the hardest part. I will still have to have an infusion of one of the medicines every 3 weeks for a year but those side effects are manageable. I have to meet with the specialist and the plastic surgeon next month to determine the type of surgery I will need. I’m almost certain that I will be having a bilateral mastectomy and the thought of having several more surgeries for that is more than I can handle right now. I’ve had 9 surgeries in the last 12 years and I’m just not looking forward to more.

I can say that I know how David felt when he penned Psalm 13,

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

I know this is a season that will pass. I know that my great God will carry me through. I know that in the end, I’ve already won because I know how the story will end so I will sing the Lord’s praise. He has been and will continue to be good to me because He loves me with an everlasting love. He knows when I am weak and He knows my every need and thought and He delights in me. This is the reason that I can be so discouraged in my body but so strong in my spirit. I can have a meltdown like this morning but as I open my Bible and focus on God’s plan for my life, I can’t help but be encouraged. God knew that when He created me I would face this battle. He knew that I would need an amazing husband by my side. He knew that my husband, who lost his first wife to cancer, would know exactly how to love and support me and his kids through this. He knew that I would be reconciled to my family because I would need them. He knew that my mom would eventually become my best friend. He knew that I would need my faithful puppy, Kiku, to never leave my side, to lay with me for hours on end and to just love me unconditionally. He knew that ultimately I would need a personal relationship with Him and I am most grateful that He never gave up on me, even during times when I grievously sinned against Him. I made the decision to trust and follow Christ 13 years ago and my life has never been the same. I know without a doubt that I would not have been able to go through this without Him.

I need your prayers like never before because I am feeling overwhelmed and weary. I am reminded of Moses when Joshua and the Israelites were fighting against the Amalekites. When Moses had his arms raised, the Israelites were winning but when he became tired and lowered them, the Amalekites were winning. Aaron and Hur stood at his side and propped up his arms so that Joshua was able to defeat the Amalekites. This is exactly what I need right now. I need my friends and family to prop up my arms because I am getting tired. I have a long way to go to defeat this cancer and I know without a doubt, that all things are possible for him who believes and I do believe.