The Healing Begins

January 29, 2008 at 6:49 am (My ramblings, Prayers)

Thanks for all who commented on my previous post about my sad little girl and for praying for me.  That was the most difficult post I have ever written because it shows my vulnerability.  Growing up, I learned to never, ever let people see the real me.  I hid who I was and covered my hurt by becoming an overachiever.  I still am.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of being the “best” at everything I do.  I want to know what it’s like to do something mediocre.  I am in Bible college, is it good enough to get B’s, no way, gotta get straight A’s. No Magna Cum Laude for me, gotta be Summa Cum Laude.  My house is immaculate, although I guess I am growing in that area as I left a cup in the sink overnight! (little doings for you, big doings for me) At work, I gotta be the best at everything too. I am overwhelmed. My boundaries have become dotted lines and in some spots, there aren’t even dotted lines.  I am so “textbook” it’s not even funny!

I plan on writing through my healing because I am hoping that somewhere if someone is reading this, they  may be encouraged as well.  Pray for me to have the courage to get some Christian counseling and that I would stick with it. I have gone a few times and always end up quitting. 

I am encouraged and know that I will not go through this alone.  With your prayers and the Lord at my side (carrying me at times, albeit)  I know this will be the best thing I can do for myself. I am so grateful that God is close to the broken hearted and binds us our wounds. I need binding and I need my Father.  I am taking Him with me to all the broken parts of my heart.  The memories are coming back, slowly, and they scare me.  I feel like I am opening Pandora’s box but I know I must. Until I empty that thing, Satan will use everything that is stuck in it to keep me from being fully restored and doing what God wants me to. I know the Lord has a plan and purpose for my life. I know that I can do ALL things through Him and He will give me the strength.

Thanks again!

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3 Comments

  1. Toya said,

    Hey Rae,

    Just wanted you to know that I’m praying for and with you.

    Toya

  2. Ame said,

    “Growing up, I learned to never, ever let people see the real me.”

    Saddle up your horses, Girl, and pull up your boot-straps! You’re goin on a WILD RIDE to FREEDOM!!!

    Not only does no one else know the “real” you, YOU don’t yet know the “real” you. But just get ready, cause here She comes!!! And you’re gonna be AMAZED at how wonderful and beautiful and amazing She is!!!!!!! Your mind cannot conceive the incredible woman God designed and created before the foundation of the world! Just wait till you peel off all these layers and discover her – WOW!!!

    Hope you like adventure and challenge, cause here comes an adventure and challenge like you’ve never known existed. It will be full and complete with every emotion and more than you can ever imagine. It will be thrilling and fun and scary and depressing and depleting and high and low and everything in between. BUT NEVER FORGET . . . THERE IS AN END TO THIS WILD RIDE . . . and the end is into still, peaceful, gentle, fresh, fragrant, beautiful waters. It’s worth the ride, Rachel, it really is.

  3. Amy said,

    I found your blog through a search engine. Hope you don’t mind.

    Your issues sound a bit like mine. I have a giant tendency to overachieve, and I go crazy with grades. I can tell you, though, that letting God into the scary places is more than worth it. You are absolutely right to say that experiencing God’s love is far different from knowing about it in your head.

    I encourage you to ask God to come right to those hurt places inside. I know He will, because I have personally experienced it. I grieved a very difficult childhood, and now God is giving it back to me in the most wonderful way. He is teaching me that He loves my little girl and that she can come and crawl into his lap any time. He loves to give hugs and kisses to his little girls and to comfort us when we are in pain.

    I used to believe that I was always going to walk around with issues as a needy, hurting person, but God is showing me that His love is strong enough to go back into those memories and the deep, hurting places inside me and hold me in His arms and comfort me.

    I am praying for you, and I love you as a sister in Christ.
    I know He loves you and wants to hold you in His lap if you want to come.

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