A Sad Little Girl

January 27, 2008 at 8:12 am (My ramblings, Prayers)

Deep inside of me there is a little girl who grew up unloved, who was never held or hugged or ever heard the words, I love you.  As she grew up, she did all sorts of things to help deaden the pain so she would not feel the hurt and rejection. She did drugs, she drank heavily, she went from man to man searching for someone to love her. The more things she tried to fill her heart with, the sadder and lonelier she became.

She finally met the true Lover of her Soul, the Healer of the Broken. 6 & 1/2 years ago and lots of hard recovery work.  Apparently not enough hard work though.  Once in a while this little broken hearted girl comes back to haunt me and for the last several days she has been relentless.  I thought I worked through all my “mommy and daddy” issues, I thought I released all the pain and hurt to the Lord, I thought I was “over” this. I guess some scars are so deep that they will never go away completely.

I have been trying to ignore it and stuff it back down to where it lays dormant until someone pushes that little button. And here I am once again. I feel like the Lord is telling me that I need to just grieve it and feel it and not deny it anymore.  I don’t want or need to hear little words of wisdom from well meaning friends. I don’t want to hear about how much the Lord loves me and yada, yada, yada. I know all that and how very much He adores me. I know just about every Scripture in the Bible that tells me He loves me. Knowing is not enough. Having it penetrate deep in my heart is a whole different thing.

I was reading through some of the Psalms where David was hurting and he always cried out to God. He always asked even begged God to rescue him. Maybe that’s what I need. To just bawl my stinking eyes out and acknowledge this pain in my heart that keeps rearing its ugly head. It’s like the Lord is telling me it is time to deal with it. Weep, mourn and wail over it.  I think I try to dismiss it like not being loved as a child is normal.  It’s like even now I think I have to stick up for my parents and in my mind think they had their own problems, they did the best they could. It’s a defense mechanism. I know it is. It is called self preservation. The Lord doesn’t care what’s it called. He wants me to get on my face and tell Him how bad I hurt and the very thought of that brings tears to my eyes.  Even as I type this, the tears roll down my cheeks. I have to remind myself that He is not like any of the 3 fathers I had. He is The Father. My Abba Daddy. Even that is hard to write, I know it, my mind knows it but my heart is so tired of being hurt and disappointed.  Please pray that after church today, I will have the courage to deal with is. It is an albatross around my neck and it is suffocating me. I will never be free until I deal with this and I know that all my striving in life is directly related to this broken little girl heart inside of me.  Please pray for me.

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10 Comments

  1. Brian said,

    Totally been there, and hurting with you as I read. I will be asking your Dad in heaven right now to bring peace and comfort to your heart, to give you an overwhelming sense of his love for you. Praying for you.

  2. Missy said,

    I pray that God will give you the strength to get down on your face before Him without shame or hindrance of any kind. There is no better day than today. The passing of time will not heal your wounds nor will ignoring them be of any benefit. Satan will only use them as a weapon against you. He is your enemy and he wants to convince you that you can be a big girl and handle this on your own. You must know that only Jesus can mend this. He is waiting for you to come to Him in desperation. He wants to heal you with His perfect love. I pray that the Lord would just swing wide the door of your heart and spill out everything today — both conscious and forgotten things, the seen and the unseen, unforgiveness and brokenness, every pain, every hurt, every rip in your heart. He is the Great Physician and He will give you rest. Know that there is no one too broken and no wound too deep for God’s grace. I pray that you will trust Him with every wound and no longer hold on to your painful burdens out of fear, doubt, distrust, or unbelief. The Lord is faithful, He is merciful, and He is your redeemer forever. He delights in You no matter what and He is longing for you to be set free. Know that with the surrender of your wounded heart, a greater intimacy with your heavenly Father awaits you. May He fill your deepest wounds with the truth and richness of His Word, the emptiness inside you with that of His Holy Spirit, and I pray that He will surround you with members of the Body to support you, love you, and encourage you during this time. His banner over you is love. I pray all this in the mighty name of Christ Jesus. Amen.

  3. Ame said,

    I understand. I call her “My Little Girl.” I’ve written about her from time to time on my blog. I’ll give you some links back there, and you can visit them if you like. All of these posts were written after years of working thru the hard stuff and reflect that “after the hard stuff” place. It’s still a continuous struggle to remain in my “Adult-frame-of-mind” and not slip back into My Little Girl.

    http://amexpression.blogspot.com/2006/08/my-little-girl.html

    http://elasah.com/Ame/?p=677

    http://elasah.com/Ame/?p=508

    http://elasah.com/Ame/?p=22

    http://elasah.com/Ame/?p=581

    And, in July of 2005, I wrote these words to my counselor:
    “Last night as I was laying in bed before I fell asleep, I heard crying. I kept listening and I kept hearing it. In my stillness, I searched for where it was coming from. It was coming from inside me – inside a hollow place in the center of me. It was her, my Little Girl. And she was crying. I picked her up and held her and cradled her and rocked her and told her I was here now and it was going to be okay. I told her I love her and I’m so sorry. I told her I’m going to take care of her. After awhile the crying stopped. And I went to sleep.”

    ~~~

    Dear God, I lift Rachel up to You. These days working through the desperate pain of our abused little girl is sooo hard. The pain becomes strangling and relentless. Yet, You were there, God. You have always been there. Show Rachel where you were when she was a little girl. Show her you were there. Comfort her and comfort her little girl. Continue Your healing in this precious little girl who had no choice but to receive the abuse. Instill into Rachel, the adult, that she is now safe and no longer must choose to receive such abuse but is now able to choose NOT to receive abuse any longer. Show her Your deep, endless, tender, firm, safe love for her. I love You, Ame

  4. Dave © said,

    You are beautiful, Rachel! You illustrate everything that God can do and wants to do…to make us new creations from the inside-out.

  5. timbob said,

    Greetings. I pray that the Lord will do a complete healing and restoration in every way; even though my comment here seems hardly adequate.

    Have a blessed day in Jesus.

    timbob

  6. Paul said,

    Sometimes the words of a song help to touch a place inside.
    This song “Home Within Your Heart” is from David Wilcox, a Christian songwriter an atheist can listen to without taking offense (the messages are often buried in metaphors…) This is the cry of a hurting heart.

    Too tired to sleep, too angry to pray
    too far down, to get back up
    too lost to find my way…

    Who knows how it happened
    too confused to say
    too far gone, to turn back now
    its too late anyway….

    Now I don’t need a clever confidant
    to try to soothe with hollow words
    I’ve heard them all…
    What I need is just to know
    I have a home
    within your heart.

    Just hold me close
    a few words will do.
    We dont have to find
    the answers now
    It’s enough to be with you

    Cause I don’t need a clever confidant
    to try to soothe with hollow words.
    I’ve heard them all…
    What I need is just to know
    I have a home,
    within your heart.

    What I need is just to know
    I have a home
    within Your heart.

    Rachel, please allow yourself to believe, to know, that you have a home, in God’s heart, in that of many people around you and even in some strange way in mine.,

    paul

  7. Rachel said,

    Thank you guys for all the encouraging notes and more importantly for your prayers. God has really spoken to me this past weekend and has challenged me to face the past. I have been kicking and stomping my feet long enough and the time has come to deal with it. It will be hard and painful but most of all I know it will be freeing. I have been in bondage to the pain long enough and I know the Lord knows what He is doing and I trust Him with all my heart.
    Thank you again.

    Ame-special thanks to you and if you read this note, please send me your email.

  8. Ame said,

    Just sent you an email 😉

  9. Mark Wilson said,

    Hi rachel

    I visited your blog – after a long time away – and saw this post. I admire your bravery in speaking out. You will help many many silent visitors through your bravery. I for one can completely understand the choices you made as a child. I did the same. I’m so sorry you went through what you did.

    God bless you,
    Mark.

  10. "Maggie" said,

    praying for God’s grace to find you, as it always does!

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