AWOL

October 8, 2007 at 10:37 am (My ramblings)

ok, so most of you know that I have not been in bloggerville very much since I came back from Africa. I have had a really hard time adjusting back to life and am in a valley, the lowest I have ever been in. Praise God He is helping me and is pulling me out of it. I can see the light, no pun intended!
I am still trying to figure out where all the junk in my heart is coming from cause I thought I had worked through all of it. Apparently not! During my women’s Bible study last week, we were watching a video and it was centered on rejection. Ouch! We had a room full of crying women, not a dry eye in the house. It hit me so hard so that it took everything in me not to fall apart in front of the class. It is hard sometimes to be the leader but I did share some stuff and where I am struggling right now with the women and it felt good.
The Lord has been showing me the hardness of my heart lately and it ain’t pretty, to say the least. It is so hard to keep my relationship with the Lord separate with the “church,” know what I mean? It is so easy to blame the church then to blame God and keep them lumped together and He is really showing me that the church is made up of messed up people! I know that, I mean really know it but you don’t expect certain people to act in certain ways. Anyways, I will not continue to blame other people for the hurt in my heart, I will own my part in it.
Yesterday was an awesome day because I went to my “happy” place, which is a beautiful lake in the mountains. No cell phone, no email, no laptop, no nothing but my Bible and journal. It amazes how well I can hear the Lord speak to me when I shut everything off and actually listen! He showed me my hardened heart and because He loves me so much, gave me a spanking. You know how it doesn’t feel good at the time but you know you deserve it and later, you feel better? Well, that is how I feel. Confession and repentance are good for us, duh. So I’m slow sometimes!
As I was sitting there looking out over the lake and listening to the leaves rustling in the wind, I clearly heard the Lord tell me this, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” This scripture keeps coming up! Every time I am alone with Him, He tells me that. I know He loves me but I think He has to keep reminding me that His love is everlasting, endless, never ending.
Another scripture is from Ezekiel 36:25-27:
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
That is what I am clinging to. As hard and scary as it is, I am praying for the Lord to wreck me, break my hard heart into a thousand pieces so He can put it back together again.

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1 Comment

  1. Maggie said,

    Good to see you back!

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