Living My Faith Out Loud

Knee manipulation

Rachel — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:32:13 +0000

Well, I am excited and scared at the same time! Next week, they are going to do a knee manipulation on me since I’m at 6 weeks and can’t bend my knee past 85 degrees. They will put me under general anesthesia and then force my knee to rip through all the scar tissue and bend. It’s sounds so painful which is probably why they knock you out! I will be so relieved because it’s been so painful and uncomfortable and I haven’t slept through the night in 6 weeks!

The good thing that has come out of this is that I have drawn closer to the Lord and He is working on my heart. I realized that not only am I prideful and judgmental, I am also very impatient! I already knew that but He re revealed it to me!

The other good thing is that my fibromyalgia has been totally under control. I am so glad because I was worried that with all the stress on my body and pain I’m in, it would have flared up but the Lord really protected me. I feel great and only a little fatigued although that’s because I am not sleeping well. I bought Tylenol PM so hopefully that will help me tonight.

I will have to go to physical therapy every day for a week right after the manipulation and then 3 times a week for another month or so just to make sure I keep the flexion. I really am looking forward to being completely healed so I can do so m any things I have missed out on. One of the biggest goals I have is to go back to Africa on a mission trip in 2012. It’s funny how that stirring to be a missionary always lies deep in my heart.

5 1/2 weeks post knee replacement surgery

Rachel — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 16:18:36 +0000

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been 5 1/2 weeks since surgery because I feel like it’s been forever! This is definitely the hardest of all the knee surgeries I have had. The one thing I really prayed for was for God to really use my recuperation time to draw me closer to Himself and that my heart would be set on fire for Him again. Well, He came through for me. I have been listening to sermons online and I can’t begin to tell you how it convicts my heart of sin and challenges me and also encourages me. I feel like I’ve been lukewarm for the last few years and I don’t want to waste any more time doing that!

I’ve been listening to Craig Groeshel at LifeChurch TV and he is amazing. I like his preaching style because he just says it like it is and I always feel challenged and motivated to do something for Christ. Lately I’ve been listening to his series on Boldness. Click here if you want to be fired up. Anyways, today I listened to his message on bold prayers and I was so convicted. I don’t know when I stopped praying bold prayers. I went through a season a few years back on praying radical prayers and God answered them in ways that still blow my mind. I prayed I would go to Africa on a mission trip, didn’t know how it would happen but prayed for it and I went to Africa!

After listening to the message, I decided to pray a very bold prayer. I prayed that God would bend my knee past 90 degrees. Sounds like a small prayer but I am at the 5 week mark since knee replacement and I should have been at 90 degrees after 2 weeks. I have so much scar tissue built up already that it won’t bend past 85. I have been doing physical therapy 3 times a week, 4 hours a day on teh cpm machine and several times a day, exercises. It has been so frustrating for me and it looks like the only way to get it to bend, is to have the doctor do a manipulation on it. They put you under anesthesia for 10 minutes and force it to bend. The doctor is supposed to call me Monday to schedule it but I am praying that God would bend it this weekend!

Please join me in this bold prayer if you are reading this. I am going to pray and have faith that God will do this. After all, Joshua asked Him to make the sun stand still and He did! I would love to be able to tell my surgeon and both my physical terrorists, I mean therapists, that God came through and bent it for me.

2 Weeks post knee replacement surgery

Rachel — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:38:22 +0000

I can’t believe that it’s already been 2 weeks since I had my surgery. It seems like this one was easier than when I had my partial replacement 5 years ago. Maybe it has to do with the doctor not having to cut away the bone to get the implant to fit since he did that with the partial. He also said their wasn’t that much scar tissue which is great. The femoral piece was loose though so that’s what was causing so much pain.

I am walking with a cane which amazes me because last time I was on crutches for I think around 3 weeks. I am doing 4 hours a day on the cpm machine (continuous passive motion) which is not my favorite thing to do. It keeps my knee bending back and forth so I don’t loose mobility and get scar tissue. I have the machine set at 65 degrees which is 20 more than just last week. The physical therapist came today and measured the flexion and I can bend it to 62 degrees. She wants me at 90 degrees in 2 more months. Whew, sounds easy but it is hard! Lots of PT and exercises.I am still having a little bit of pain and sleeping at night is the hardest. I will happy when I can sleep through the night without waking up in pain.

The Lord is showing me though this that He is always with me no matter what and that prayers really work. I know I am doing so well because of all the people praying for me. He is also showing me that I am impatient and that I need to really start working on being filled with the fruit of the spirit. Just because I am tired or in pain doesn’t give me the excuse to respond in a stinky way.

My husband has been such a huge blessing to me and it is definitely easier to heal and get well when someone takes care of you so well. He sets up my cpm machine on the bed everyday for me and fills the ice machine up and has been doing the laundry and dishes and everything! I actually have started to empty the dishwasher and do a little laundry and it feels good. I can’t wait to get back to normal. I miss driving the Pink Ninja and started it the other day and it was fun to listen to the motor rumble.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for my check up and to get the staples out!! I am so excited because they look gross and they itch.

Knee Replacement Surgery

Rachel — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 09:52:10 +0000

1 more day and I will have a totally new knee! It will be hard to imagine that in a few months I will no longer have knee pain. It seems like my knee has been my thorn for the last 10 years. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I feel like I’m a pro at knee surgeries as this will be my 5th one on the same knee. This is a little different though and my surgeon said this to me at my pre-op appointment, “Rachel, I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt.” Yikes! As if the other ones didn’t! Lol, I think he was preparing me since he has to remove the old partial knee replacement parts that are cemented in. He may have to put pins in the bones too but won’t know until he gets in there. The surgery will take about 2 -2 1/2 hours and the good thing is they don’t use too much anesthesia, they use a spinal block. I always get really sick from anesthesia so I am hoping I don’t this time.

I am hoping and praying that everything will go without a hitch and that the recovery time will go by quickly. The hardest adjustment will be that I can’t just up and go do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am not known for being a sitting around kind of person and am always moving so this will be hard! My surgeon told me I won’t be able to drive for about 6 weeks since it’s my right knee but I’m thinking more like 4 weeks max. A nurse and physical therapist will come to my house for several weeks and that is a huge blessing. I will be on blood thinners for about a month so the nurse has to draw blood and check the levels. My husband bought me a new pink cane and I can’t wait to get off the crutches and show it off! I bought these really high tech gel covers for the crutches so hopefully they won’t hurt my sides and under my arms as much. I can’t remember how long I couldn’t drive when I got my partial knee replacement but when my surgeon told me I could drive up and down the driveway…I was gone! I went to Blockbuster and CVS and it was the highlight of my life at the time.

I am also really praying for a fresh filling of the Holy Spirit and great times with the Lord. I don’t want to just numb myself with movies or reading, I really desire to spend more time with God. He has been revealing so many things in my heart lately and I kind of push it away and am not really dealing with it. Of course, I pray and ask God to change my heart but I know it will take a little more work than that. I feel like lately I have been walking more in the flesh than in the spirit and I don’t like it. I am really dealing with selfishness, judgment and other things and I know that it all comes from within. The other day, the Lord brought Matthew 12:34 to mind and it has stuck with my since, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” What an aha moment! I remember when I used to read the Bible for hours a day and spend all my time listening to messages and being at church all the time. The last year or so, it has been the bare minimum and I can see the difference in my attitude and my heart. I don’t want to walk in condemnation but want to repent and move on and seek God with everything I have like I used to. I need to seek Him first in everything I do. I am praying for the fire to be stoked again and can’t wait to write about what He is going to do while I am recuperating.

So tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will have my surgery and within a few hours, have a new knee. Please pray that it will go well and Lord willing, I will write not only updates with my knee but more importantly, updates on my heart.

Psalm 51:10-12

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

Something from nothing

Rachel — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 10:03:46 +0000

I was reading Matthew 15:32-38 this morning and thinking about what this portion of Scripture means to me and I wanted to share a few thoughts. This is the second story of Jesus feeding the masses of people as He was teaching them. In the first account, He fed 5,000 men (plus women and children) with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and everyone ate and was satisfied and they had 12 basket of leftovers. Sounds crazy but we are talking about the Lord here! In this second account, “Jesus called His disciples to Him and said, ‘I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.’ His disciples answered, ‘Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?’ ‘How many loaves do you have?’ Jesus asked. ‘Seven,’ they replied, ‘and a few small fish.’ He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then He took the seven loaves and the fish, and when He had given thanks, He broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was four thousand men, besides women and children.” First of all, I love how Jesus’ motivation here is compassion. He knows the people must be hungry because they had been with Him for 3 days and have had nothing to eat. It makes me realize that Jesus cares about the needs in our lives no matter how big or small. He knows we have needs and He tells us in Matthew 6:31 to not worry about what we will eat or drink or wear because God knows we need them. As I was meditating on these verses, I thought about how we can sometimes pray for something that we may already have. If you are anything like me, you may be tempted to pray for more-more money, more time, more talent, more, more, more! I’m sure the disciples were probably thinking, ‘we have 7 loaves of bread and a few fish and Jesus wants us to feed at least 4,000 people with it?!” It doesn’t make sense and this is what I love so much about the Lord. He takes what little we have (or should I say what little we think we have) and He multiplies it. Not only did everyone eat that day until they were full, they also had 7 basketfuls leftover! I would’ve loved to be sitting there watching all this as it unfolded. I can imagine the disciples picking up the leftover baskets of food thinking to themselves, “didn’t we just do this with 5,000 other people?” At least this time, they didn’t just tell Jesus to send them away to go find food, they asked Him where they could find it. I think many times the Lord wants to use what little we have to do mighty things to show His glory. He chose to use a few loaves of bread and a few fish to feed all these people. He didn’t look up to the heavens and pray for more food. He didn’t call Domino’s pizza and tell them to send enough food for 4,000 people. He used what was available and I think sometimes that’s what He wants to do in our lives as well. Whenever I read these verses, it reminds me of the times in my life when I didn’t know how I would make it financially. The first several years for me a Christian were spent on repaying a lot of credit card debt that I accrued living a worldy life. I had 10 credit cards and a few months before giving my life to Christ, I almost filed for bankruptcy. I ended up not doing it and after living on a very meager salary, I ended up paying it all back. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, especially as I had nothing to show for it. During this repayment phase, I was also able to tithe and that blew me away because every single month, it looked like I wouldn’t make it. If you looked at my finances on paper, it would not make sense and many times, I would balance my checkbook and think to myself, “how could I have made it through another month?” I love how the Lord met all my needs, always. Like the verses above, He can take something from nothing and make it everything. I will close with Matthew 19:26, “…All things are possible with God.”

One Thing I Ask…

Rachel — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 11:58:30 +0000

I woke up this morning with Psalm 73:25 in my heart, “Whom have I heaven but You? and earth has nothing I desire besides You.” I started thinking about what that would look like and it was difficult to imagine. How different would my life be if the only thing I desired was God? If all my motives, dreams and longings were filled with simply desiring God. Even now, as I type, I’m almost speechless thinking about it.

Whenever I read this verse, it makes me think of Psalm 27:4, “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.” I can’t imagine what I would want if I had to ask the Lord for just one thing and He would grant it to me. Would it be wealth? or health? or peace? or to end world hunger? I honestly don’t know because I’ve never thought about it.

I’m trying to picture being in the house of the Lord, gazing upon His beauty and the only thing that pops in my head is Isaiah 6. Isaiah saw the Lord sitting on His throne, high and exalted and seraphs were flying around calling to one another, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is filled with His glory!” At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. Isaiah cried out, “woe to me, I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.” I think that’s exactly how I would feel. My first instinct would be to fall to the ground with my head bowed low ashamed to be in the presence of God because I am the worst of sinners. Unworthy to stand in the presence of God, blemished and filthy. I can’t imagine what Isaiah thought when he saw one of the seraphs bring a burning coal to touch his lips to take away the guilt and atone for his sins. Did he feel the same way I felt when I found out that Christ died for me so that my guilt would be taken away and my sins atoned for? Did he feel clean and all bright and shiny like I did when I learned that I was now a new creation in Christ, that the old Rachel was dead and gone and the new one was here? Did he feel loved and adored like me when he finally found what he was desperately searching for his whole life? Did he feel like the scarlet letter was finally taken off his clothes and now he was wearing the brightest white robe ever? I think he did because when we get near the end of his book in chapter 61:10, he writes, “I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

I am so grateful that I can feel clean and forgiven of all my sins; past, present and future sins. No longer can the heinous sins of my past haunt me because Jesus came to set the captives free. He came to lift me out of the slimy pit, the mud and mire and set my feet upon a rock; no ordinary rock but The Rock. He redeemed my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. He loves me with an everlasting love. God’s love and kindness towards me is mind boggling.

Happy 10 Year Sober Anniversary!

Rachel — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 11:12:41 +0000

I can’t believe that today, July 14, I have been sober for 10 years! What an amazing journey this has been and I am so grateful that I didn’t have to do it alone. Not only is it my sobriety birthday, it’s also my Christian birthday which makes it extra special. I gave my heart and life to Christ on July 14, 2001 and my life has not been the same since. If you want to read my whole testimony, click here.

Looking back on the last 10 years brings tears of happiness to my eyes because I can’t believe how very much God loves me. Sometimes I feel like I can grasp the depth and breadth of it, then other times I know I don’t even close to comprehending it. I only have to look back over my entire life to see how He had a plan and purpose for me all along. Through all my addictions and heinous sins, He loved me anyways. Not once I got cleaned up, but during it all. Amazing.

Who knew 10 years ago my life would turn out the way it did. Not only am I loved by God, but I’m married to the most wonderful husband in the world. I thought I was going to stay single and be a missionary in Africa, God had other plans. It’s funny how He works everything out according to His plans, not mine. Who knew that my mother would become one of my best friends after years of animosity and that our relationship would be restored beyond what I could ever imagine. Who knew that I would go to Bible college and earn my bachelor of theology degree (the first one in my family to graduate from college). Who knew that 10 years ago, I would wake up hungover and hating myself and my life and go to bed a new creation in Christ, loved and forgiven, redeemed and set free from a life of addictions. Jesus Christ, lover of my soul, that’s who. The One who gave up His life for me as a ransom. My debt is paid in full. Pardoned, redeemed, exonerated, absolved. It’s almost incomprehensible to think that a life was given freely for mine. Especially someone who was perfect and did absolutely nothing wrong. But because of His incredulous love for me, He laid down His life for me so that I could be forgiven and live an life in abundance.

Thank you Jesus for loving me enough when no one else did. Thank you for taking my horrendous sins and paying the price that should have been mine to pay. Thank you Jesus that it’s only by your grace that I am saved, that nothing I could have done would have been enough. Thank you Jesus that I have the honor and privilege to serve you for the rest of my life. Thank you Lord that you love me anyways. This song sums up how I feel.

Why Am I So Unhappy?

Rachel — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:07:10 +0000

I have been reading the book The Greener Grass Conspiracy and the title of the first chapter is Why am I so unhappy? The author talks about playing the “what if” game and the way to play it is to think about what would make you happy. Really, freakishly happy. We play it by inserting “what if” in front of things like, “if only I could get married then I would be happy” or “if only I could get that job promotion, then I would be satisfied” or “if only my budget wasn’t so tight, then I’d have peace, joy, contentment, and some sleep at night.” He goes on to say once you’ve identified your “if only” dream, invest all your hopes in that dream and spend hours thinking and praying about it. Put all your hopes for life and happiness into that dream. Imagine how happy you’ll finally be when that dream is fulfilled. Most people are good at playing the “what if” game. The only problem is, you never win.

If you struggle with discontentment, ask yourself this question, “am I always waiting for that next event/person/place/thing to happen so that it will fulfill the deepest desires of my heart?” If so, you will never, ever be content. Why? The Bible explains it best in Mark 7:21-23, “For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” It’s so easy to blame everything else for our circumstances but ultimately, it’s our fault. The raging, covetous, discontented desires come from within and they won’t be satisfied when circumstances change.

The author then goes on to talk about our constant desire to make an image for God. Our hearts are idol factories and we are constantly creating new idols to worship. Not golden calves, mind you, but idols nonetheless. Ultimately, the problem is stated best in James 4:1-3, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” When we don’t get what we want, we throw a temper tantrum and if we’re not careful, we can become angry with God and discontent with life. We grumble and complain and happiness appears to be out of reach. So what’s the hope if we are discontent? What do we do? Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-12, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” I think if the Apostle Paul can be content in whatever circumstances (beatings, stonings, shipwrecks, starvation, assassination attempts, snakebites, riots, etc) then we can also learn to be content.

This post is not meant to bring condemnation but conviction. As I am reading this book, my eyes are being opened to my own sin. Is is painful? Yes. Is it necessary? Yes. Does it bring me closer to the Lord? Absolutely. And ultimately, that’s what I want. I want to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I am grateful for the Bible and for godly people who write godly books to help me along the way.

Made for One Purpose

Rachel — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 10:37:53 +0000

I have been reading a book titled The Greener Grass Conspiracy by Stephen Altrogge. He is a pastor at one of our sister Sovereign Grace churches in Pa. The book is a very easy read and it’s packed with personal stories, which I enjoy. I wanted to share some of what he wrote in chapter 2 because it really hit home with me. He begins by quoting Isaiah 43:6-7 and here is portion of it, “everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” He goes on to say:

We were created for God’s glory. In other words, God put you and me on this planet to bring Him glory. I exist to display His worth to the world and to show how great God really is. God is at the center of all things and we exist for Him. Not the other way around. Life is not about my ultimate happiness and self-fulfillment. Does God love me? Yes, absolutely, but He doesn’t exist for me. Everything exists by God and for God. The universe orbits around God.

Discontentment begins when I start trying to be God. Discontentment happens when I attempt to displace God from His rightful place at the center of the universe. When I think that everything should run according to my plans instead of God’s plans. When I forget that God is God and that He allowed to do with me whatever He wants, whatever will bring Him glory. Discontentment results from a big view of myself and a very little view of God. Contentment is created in the shadow of the majesty of God. I become content when I see and treasure embrace the glory of God. I find contentment when I grasp the fact that life is not primarily about me and my comfort and my happiness. My soul is satisfied when I stop trying to elbow my way to the center of the universe and instead rejoice in and worship the God who really is the center of all things.

I couldn’t have said it better. Discontentment is an awful thing. I looked up the meaning in a dictionary and it’s defined as a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. What do you crave? What are the deepest desires of your heart that only the Lord knows about? Do you have the greener grass syndrome? Are you always thinking that other people have everything they want and you are the only person in life who doesn’t? Are you more focused on pleasing yourself rather then rejoicing in and worshiping God? When we realize that God created us with a plan and a purpose and ultimately He is in charge, we will live in a state of contentment. Whenever I start feeling a spirit of discontentment come over me, I quote Philippians 4:8, “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

I will actually ask myself questions based on this verse like, is what I’m thinking or feeling right now true? Is it noble? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable? Is it excellent or praiseworthy? If it’s not, then I am most likely struggling with the sin of discontentment. As soon as I confess my sin to the Lord and take my thoughts captive, I am once again filled with His peace. His wonderful peace that surpasses all understanding. I am so grateful that the Lord did not leave me here alone but that I have the Holy Spirit to help me.

Psalm 19

Rachel — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 10:43:01 +0000

I am going through the Book of Psalms again and I was reading Psalm 19 this morning.

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.“

I love sitting in my sun room and having my devotions in the early hours of the morning. I open up all the windows and I love to hear the birds chirping because it makes me think they are singing their little birdie hearts out to God. This is one of my favorite Psalms because it talks about how God speaks through His creation. I like to think that unreached people will hear God’s message and come to know Him through the works of his hands.

When I was in Peru on a mission trip several years ago, we took a ride in an open cattle truck up the mountain side to a very remote village. It was the scariest ride of my life because there were potholes everywhere and no lights and you could barely see the road. At times, we drove straight up the mountain and I remember one of the pastors singing a song about going home to the be with the Lord! Although it was scary, it was also the most beautiful ride of my life. The stars were shining so bright and I couldn’t help but think about this Psalm while looking up at them. I tried to describe it to people when I came home but there were no words that would do it justice. The closest I came was to tell people to imagine a black sheet with a million holes in it with light behind it shining through the holes. It was magnificent. I also thought about what Isaiah wrote in verse 40:26,

“Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.“

It’s incredible to think that God named each and every star and that not one of them is missing. They are silent but night after night, they reveal their knowledge. Next time you are outside at night, stop and look up and just take it all in. God speaks through His creation and He wants to tell you something.