God is Sovereign
Today was an incredible day because I woke up loved, forgiven and adored by my Creator. Even when I am an idiot, God loves me. I went to the dentist today and after the dentist filled in a few cavities, the assistant came in and was showing me the proper way to floss my teeth. (That should be an entire blog on its own!) Anyways, that was my 3rd trip to this dentist, who by the way, was my childhood dentist, and everytime I am there, I sense an immense sadness in this woman. I don’t get to talk to her too much because the dentist’s hands are usually in my mouth along with some other weird stuff that I am glad I can’t see! Anyways, everytime I pay and make my next appointment, she starts talking to me and I just want to get out of there and go home. Today was no different. I was hungry, tired, emotionally drained and I was going to hit rush hour traffic! So, after she teaches me how to floss, she breaks out a toothbrush and I am thinking to myself, “are you kidding me?” She touches the brush to my teeth and told me to avoid the gumline so I wouldn’t ruin my gums any more than I have already done. I told her that the problem was that I used to be a drug addict and an alcoholic so that’s what the problem was. She looked up at me with those sad eyes and said, “are you kidding me? You have your act together now, what happened?” I was so torn, half of me wanted to go home and the other half was telling me this girl needs hope. I had a copy of my testimony in the car, which was parked pretty far away and I really did not feel like walking out to get it for her. I rationalized that I would see her in a few weeks and I would bring it in then but the Lord would not relent. I feel ashamed to write that but all I wanted was some time for myself and to get home. After all, I earned it right??? Wrong! I immediately thought of Jesus trying to get alone and get some space and people still followed Him. He didn’t tell them to go home because He was tired and He needed a break. He was moved by compassion and out of love for people, He helped them.
Anyways, I told her that I had been sober for 7 years and she told me she had been sober for 21 years but was struggling with depression. I told her that I was not only sober, I was a Christian and because of that, I have a joy that comes only from knowing Christ. She had tears in her eyes and told me she didn’t know about the whole Christian thing so I shared some of my testimony with her. I told her how I used to struggle with depression, suicide and despair and the tears kept streaming down her face. This woman has no idea that she was created in the image of God and that He loves her so much. I was praying the whole time I was talking to her because sometimes I get so fired up and want to tell her everything about the Lord and the Bible but once again, God shut my mouth. I told her I had a CD of what God did in my life in the car for her and went out and got it. I gave it to her with my card and phone number and told her to call me after she listened to it. I have no idea if she will but I will pray like crazy for her. Her name is Donna so if you are reading this, please pray for her too.
I write this not out of condemnation for myself but out of a realization of my desperate need for God. Left to myself, I will think only of myself. To think that I would allow a 28 second walk interfere with Gods’ plan of salvation in this woman’s life is something I don’t want to repeat. On my way home, the song I blogged about the other day came on the radio and I knew that Donna needed to here it so I need to take it to her. I was listening to these words and I saw her as Christ sees her, hurting and feeling like she is alone, but she is not alone…and I am going to tell her.
You’re not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I’m the one that’s loved you all your life
All of your life
Counting my Blessings-Part 1
My life BC (before Christ) was a life full of despair and sadness. I struggled with depression for over 20 years and it amazes me that the Lord healed me from this affliction. It wasn’t a quick, painless healing. It was one that took several years of working my recovery program and going back to the broken areas of my heart and allowing Jesus to help me to sort through and process it all. It was difficult to have to go back and remember and feel the pain but that is the only way to deal with them and be free of the bondage of past hurts.
There are many things I am thankful for as this year ends. Over the next few days, I will write about them.
What a blessing it was for me to be able to be in Bible college. This past year I took so many courses and learned so much about the Lord and His word. I also learned a lot about myself. I love learning and knowledge and I can’t believe that after almost failing high school (due to all the partying and skipping my classes) that I am Summa Cum Laude. I am amazed that everything I did in my past has not killed all my brain cells and the Lord redeemed and restored them.
I am grateful that I was allowed to lead my first mission trip to Peru this past summer as well. What an awesome experience. God did amazing things in each and every person on the trip and grew our faith and opened our eyes. We were able to be Jesus’ hands and feet and share His love and blessings with many people.
I am also grateful for having insurance and being able to have 2 knee surgeries this past year. I am hopeful that this partial knee replacement will bring about total healing and freedom from the pain I have plagued with for the last several years. I can’t wait to go hiking again and join the gym and work out pain free. I can’t wait to be able to just walk through a mall or walk around the block.
I am grateful for my friends. Friends who care about and love me and are there for me. Friends who encouraged me, wiped me my tears for me, hugged me and accepted me for who and what I am. They challenge me in my faith, call me out and question me when I make bad decisions (especially Tina 
and genuinely care about y well being.
I am grateful for another year of sexual purity. It amazes me how the Lord blesses obedience in this area. Before meeting Jesus, I did not understand why sex outside of marriage was wrong but now I totally understand why the Lord commands that we remain pure. I now realize my worth as well and know that I am worth waiting for! I want to be cherished, loved and respected and the first way to have someone do that for you, is to cherish and love and respect yourself.
Sharing our Burdens
I was stopped at work by a lady who used to be in my recovery group with me. She looked at me, hugged me and thanked me for encouraging her in her struggle with depression. I really didn’t know that I had! I inquired about what she meant and she told me that because of my openess in sharing my past addictions to drugs and alcohol and my lifetime struggle with depression, it made her realize that she too did not have to conntinue to suffer.
Hers is a pretty sad story and it amazes me that she did not turn to chemical dependency, she just held all her hurt in and it manifested itself in major depression. From what I can remember about her, she has suffered many losses, including her brother to suicide when she was in high school. The sad thing about it is that for the last 20 years, she blamed herself for his death. She relayed to me the last time she saw him alive. It was Christmas and she said that he was ruining everyone’s holiday because he was being excessively rude and nasty and she told him maybe he should leave. Shortly after, he commited suicide.
When she came to Celebrate Recovery, I remember all she did was cry. She looked so sad and she could barely talk about her brother and this was over 20 years later. In our group, I shared about my struggle with depression and constant attempts at suicide and how much my life has changed since I began to process and look at all the hurt and pain I had inside of me.
That was about a year and a half ago and when I saw her in the hallway at work last week, I was looking at a different person. The immense sadness and pain that was so easy to see in her eyes was gone. It was replaced by a look of peacefulness. She shared that she has been off all antidepressant medication for her depression for 5 months. What a miracle. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am not against meds at all. What I am against is the fact that doctors are over prescribing them to everyone, thus putting a band-aid on the symptoms and not caring for the deeper issues. I think meds are great when used appropriately but I also think and know from experience that to take something to not feel unprocessed pain and hurt is like waiting for a timebomb to explode. That’s my little rant…
The point to me sharing this story is this, when we take off our masks and admit our hurts and struggles, we find out that we are not alone! When we are open and honest and yes, vulnerable too, this is when people identify with us. When people see what Jesus can do with broken lives and messed up people like myself, it gives them hope. Hope that their life can change too.
Meeting Jesus changed my life, but merely meeting Him did not erase all the pain I was in at the time. Working through the pain and shame with Him and other people is when the healing began.
I take no credit for anything that has happened in my friend’s life. If not for Jesus, I would not have been in that group, nor would she have been there. God is always working out His perfect plan and I am proof that what the enemy meant for harm, God uses for the good of His kingdom.
When Paul was persecuting Christians, who knew that he would one day pen most of the New Testament? Who knew that when Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, he would one day be second in command of Egypt? Who knew that when Joni Earickson Tada had her diving accident and was paralyzed she would go on to found her ministry which gives hope and healing to people with disabilities? Who knew that God would take someone with a hideous past, who has broken all of his commandments, and take them out of a lifestyle of addictions and use it for His glory?
The answer, as one of my dear friend’s would say is, always Jesus…
2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
Can I make a difference?
This past Monday, one of our Peru team members, Scott was at work and was having alot of pain and he could not breathe. He left work and drove himself to the hospital where he was admitted. He was told he had a blot clot in his lung. I can’t even begin to imagine how scared he was or what he was thinking or feeling. I know one of the first thoughts I had was praise God this didn’t happen while we in Peru. Who knows what kind of treatment he would have recieved in the hospital there.
He has been in there for several days and has many, many visitors. I went one evening and when I left, there were still 4 people there! I know this encouraged his heart but there was another amazing thing happening in his room. Scott’s roomate was a man named Jessie (Nick), who had been there for a while. He is in alot of pain, not only physically but emotionally as well. Scott, and all of his friends, have been ministering to this man everyday and praying for him and it is incredible to watch a person as the Holy Spirit is preparing his heart to recieve Him. This man was moved to accept Jesus because of the love he saw as the body of Christ came forward to minister to Scott.
A friend of Scott’s took in a portable DVD player and showed Jessie several DVD’s. One was a Baptism service, one was of the missions night and one was The Story of Love. Jessie’s heart finally opened up and he recieved Jesus as his Lord and Savior last night! I know the angels were rejoicing in that room! He asked Scott to not forget about him when he was released.
I am not sure if Scott was thinking about Romans 8:28 (and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose) when he had to be admitted or not but it is just like the Lord to use a situation like this to draw people to Himself. Not once when I talked to Scott did he complain about having to be in the hospital or being in pain or anything. His only concern was for his roomate who did not know Jesus. I asked Scott how long Jessie would be there at the hospital because I wanted to see if we could take him a Bible. Scott had already given him his very own Bible.
I pray that our eyes would be opened and that we would see all the opportunities the Lord puts in our path. The answer to the question, can I make a difference, is a definitive YES!
Update on Nick (8/11/06)
Sue and I just got back from visiting Nick in the hospital. We took him a packet of books, etc for new believers. He was in good spirits and is looking forward to coming to church tomorrow. We met his new roomate named George who needs prayers too.
Nick shared with us that he was in there because he was in a fight and someone hit him in the back with a tire iron. He didn’t go to the hopsital or doctor then but the pain was so bad, he knew he needed treatment. He will need to be on meds for awhile and physical therapy to regain some of the muscle tissue he lost so keep praying for him. Sue ended by praying for both Nick and George so hopefully, George will open his heart to the Lord too!
