Knee manipulation
Well, I am excited and scared at the same time! Next week, they are going to do a knee manipulation on me since I’m at 6 weeks and can’t bend my knee past 85 degrees. They will put me under general anesthesia and then force my knee to rip through all the scar tissue and bend. It’s sounds so painful which is probably why they knock you out! I will be so relieved because it’s been so painful and uncomfortable and I haven’t slept through the night in 6 weeks!
The good thing that has come out of this is that I have drawn closer to the Lord and He is working on my heart. I realized that not only am I prideful and judgmental, I am also very impatient! I already knew that but He re revealed it to me!
The other good thing is that my fibromyalgia has been totally under control. I am so glad because I was worried that with all the stress on my body and pain I’m in, it would have flared up but the Lord really protected me. I feel great and only a little fatigued although that’s because I am not sleeping well. I bought Tylenol PM so hopefully that will help me tonight.
I will have to go to physical therapy every day for a week right after the manipulation and then 3 times a week for another month or so just to make sure I keep the flexion. I really am looking forward to being completely healed so I can do so m any things I have missed out on. One of the biggest goals I have is to go back to Africa on a mission trip in 2012. It’s funny how that stirring to be a missionary always lies deep in my heart.
5 1/2 weeks post knee replacement surgery
It’s hard to believe that it’s only been 5 1/2 weeks since surgery because I feel like it’s been forever! This is definitely the hardest of all the knee surgeries I have had. The one thing I really prayed for was for God to really use my recuperation time to draw me closer to Himself and that my heart would be set on fire for Him again. Well, He came through for me. I have been listening to sermons online and I can’t begin to tell you how it convicts my heart of sin and challenges me and also encourages me. I feel like I’ve been lukewarm for the last few years and I don’t want to waste any more time doing that!
I’ve been listening to Craig Groeshel at LifeChurch TV and he is amazing. I like his preaching style because he just says it like it is and I always feel challenged and motivated to do something for Christ. Lately I’ve been listening to his series on Boldness. Click here if you want to be fired up. Anyways, today I listened to his message on bold prayers and I was so convicted. I don’t know when I stopped praying bold prayers. I went through a season a few years back on praying radical prayers and God answered them in ways that still blow my mind. I prayed I would go to Africa on a mission trip, didn’t know how it would happen but prayed for it and I went to Africa!
After listening to the message, I decided to pray a very bold prayer. I prayed that God would bend my knee past 90 degrees. Sounds like a small prayer but I am at the 5 week mark since knee replacement and I should have been at 90 degrees after 2 weeks. I have so much scar tissue built up already that it won’t bend past 85. I have been doing physical therapy 3 times a week, 4 hours a day on teh cpm machine and several times a day, exercises. It has been so frustrating for me and it looks like the only way to get it to bend, is to have the doctor do a manipulation on it. They put you under anesthesia for 10 minutes and force it to bend. The doctor is supposed to call me Monday to schedule it but I am praying that God would bend it this weekend!
Please join me in this bold prayer if you are reading this. I am going to pray and have faith that God will do this. After all, Joshua asked Him to make the sun stand still and He did! I would love to be able to tell my surgeon and both my physical terrorists, I mean therapists, that God came through and bent it for me.
2 Weeks post knee replacement surgery
I can’t believe that it’s already been 2 weeks since I had my surgery. It seems like this one was easier than when I had my partial replacement 5 years ago. Maybe it has to do with the doctor not having to cut away the bone to get the implant to fit since he did that with the partial. He also said their wasn’t that much scar tissue which is great. The femoral piece was loose though so that’s what was causing so much pain.
I am walking with a cane which amazes me because last time I was on crutches for I think around 3 weeks. I am doing 4 hours a day on the cpm machine (continuous passive motion) which is not my favorite thing to do. It keeps my knee bending back and forth so I don’t loose mobility and get scar tissue. I have the machine set at 65 degrees which is 20 more than just last week. The physical therapist came today and measured the flexion and I can bend it to 62 degrees. She wants me at 90 degrees in 2 more months. Whew, sounds easy but it is hard! Lots of PT and exercises.I am still having a little bit of pain and sleeping at night is the hardest. I will happy when I can sleep through the night without waking up in pain.
The Lord is showing me though this that He is always with me no matter what and that prayers really work. I know I am doing so well because of all the people praying for me. He is also showing me that I am impatient and that I need to really start working on being filled with the fruit of the spirit. Just because I am tired or in pain doesn’t give me the excuse to respond in a stinky way.
My husband has been such a huge blessing to me and it is definitely easier to heal and get well when someone takes care of you so well. He sets up my cpm machine on the bed everyday for me and fills the ice machine up and has been doing the laundry and dishes and everything! I actually have started to empty the dishwasher and do a little laundry and it feels good. I can’t wait to get back to normal. I miss driving the Pink Ninja and started it the other day and it was fun to listen to the motor rumble.
I go to the doctor tomorrow for my check up and to get the staples out!! I am so excited because they look gross and they itch.
Knee Replacement Surgery
1 more day and I will have a totally new knee! It will be hard to imagine that in a few months I will no longer have knee pain. It seems like my knee has been my thorn for the last 10 years. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I feel like I’m a pro at knee surgeries as this will be my 5th one on the same knee. This is a little different though and my surgeon said this to me at my pre-op appointment, “Rachel, I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt.” Yikes! As if the other ones didn’t! Lol, I think he was preparing me since he has to remove the old partial knee replacement parts that are cemented in. He may have to put pins in the bones too but won’t know until he gets in there. The surgery will take about 2 -2 1/2 hours and the good thing is they don’t use too much anesthesia, they use a spinal block. I always get really sick from anesthesia so I am hoping I don’t this time.
I am hoping and praying that everything will go without a hitch and that the recovery time will go by quickly. The hardest adjustment will be that I can’t just up and go do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am not known for being a sitting around kind of person and am always moving so this will be hard! My surgeon told me I won’t be able to drive for about 6 weeks since it’s my right knee but I’m thinking more like 4 weeks max. A nurse and physical therapist will come to my house for several weeks and that is a huge blessing. I will be on blood thinners for about a month so the nurse has to draw blood and check the levels. My husband bought me a new pink cane and I can’t wait to get off the crutches and show it off! I bought these really high tech gel covers for the crutches so hopefully they won’t hurt my sides and under my arms as much. I can’t remember how long I couldn’t drive when I got my partial knee replacement but when my surgeon told me I could drive up and down the driveway…I was gone! I went to Blockbuster and CVS and it was the highlight of my life at the time.
I am also really praying for a fresh filling of the Holy Spirit and great times with the Lord. I don’t want to just numb myself with movies or reading, I really desire to spend more time with God. He has been revealing so many things in my heart lately and I kind of push it away and am not really dealing with it. Of course, I pray and ask God to change my heart but I know it will take a little more work than that. I feel like lately I have been walking more in the flesh than in the spirit and I don’t like it. I am really dealing with selfishness, judgment and other things and I know that it all comes from within. The other day, the Lord brought Matthew 12:34 to mind and it has stuck with my since, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” What an aha moment! I remember when I used to read the Bible for hours a day and spend all my time listening to messages and being at church all the time. The last year or so, it has been the bare minimum and I can see the difference in my attitude and my heart. I don’t want to walk in condemnation but want to repent and move on and seek God with everything I have like I used to. I need to seek Him first in everything I do. I am praying for the fire to be stoked again and can’t wait to write about what He is going to do while I am recuperating.
So tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will have my surgery and within a few hours, have a new knee. Please pray that it will go well and Lord willing, I will write not only updates with my knee but more importantly, updates on my heart.
Psalm 51:10-12
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
Something from nothing
I was reading Matthew 15:32-38 this morning and thinking about what this portion of Scripture means to me and I wanted to share a few thoughts. This is the second story of Jesus feeding the masses of people as He was teaching them. In the first account, He fed 5,000 men (plus women and children) with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and everyone ate and was satisfied and they had 12 basket of leftovers. Sounds crazy but we are talking about the Lord here! In this second account, “Jesus called His disciples to Him and said, ‘I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.’ His disciples answered, ‘Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?’ ‘How many loaves do you have?’ Jesus asked. ‘Seven,’ they replied, ‘and a few small fish.’ He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then He took the seven loaves and the fish, and when He had given thanks, He broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was four thousand men, besides women and children.” First of all, I love how Jesus’ motivation here is compassion. He knows the people must be hungry because they had been with Him for 3 days and have had nothing to eat. It makes me realize that Jesus cares about the needs in our lives no matter how big or small. He knows we have needs and He tells us in Matthew 6:31 to not worry about what we will eat or drink or wear because God knows we need them. As I was meditating on these verses, I thought about how we can sometimes pray for something that we may already have. If you are anything like me, you may be tempted to pray for more-more money, more time, more talent, more, more, more! I’m sure the disciples were probably thinking, ‘we have 7 loaves of bread and a few fish and Jesus wants us to feed at least 4,000 people with it?!” It doesn’t make sense and this is what I love so much about the Lord. He takes what little we have (or should I say what little we think we have) and He multiplies it. Not only did everyone eat that day until they were full, they also had 7 basketfuls leftover! I would’ve loved to be sitting there watching all this as it unfolded. I can imagine the disciples picking up the leftover baskets of food thinking to themselves, “didn’t we just do this with 5,000 other people?” At least this time, they didn’t just tell Jesus to send them away to go find food, they asked Him where they could find it. I think many times the Lord wants to use what little we have to do mighty things to show His glory. He chose to use a few loaves of bread and a few fish to feed all these people. He didn’t look up to the heavens and pray for more food. He didn’t call Domino’s pizza and tell them to send enough food for 4,000 people. He used what was available and I think sometimes that’s what He wants to do in our lives as well. Whenever I read these verses, it reminds me of the times in my life when I didn’t know how I would make it financially. The first several years for me a Christian were spent on repaying a lot of credit card debt that I accrued living a worldy life. I had 10 credit cards and a few months before giving my life to Christ, I almost filed for bankruptcy. I ended up not doing it and after living on a very meager salary, I ended up paying it all back. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, especially as I had nothing to show for it. During this repayment phase, I was also able to tithe and that blew me away because every single month, it looked like I wouldn’t make it. If you looked at my finances on paper, it would not make sense and many times, I would balance my checkbook and think to myself, “how could I have made it through another month?” I love how the Lord met all my needs, always. Like the verses above, He can take something from nothing and make it everything. I will close with Matthew 19:26, “…All things are possible with God.”
One Thing I Ask…
I woke up this morning with Psalm 73:25 in my heart, “Whom have I heaven but You? and earth has nothing I desire besides You.” I started thinking about what that would look like and it was difficult to imagine. How different would my life be if the only thing I desired was God? If all my motives, dreams and longings were filled with simply desiring God. Even now, as I type, I’m almost speechless thinking about it.
Whenever I read this verse, it makes me think of Psalm 27:4, “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.” I can’t imagine what I would want if I had to ask the Lord for just one thing and He would grant it to me. Would it be wealth? or health? or peace? or to end world hunger? I honestly don’t know because I’ve never thought about it.
I’m trying to picture being in the house of the Lord, gazing upon His beauty and the only thing that pops in my head is Isaiah 6. Isaiah saw the Lord sitting on His throne, high and exalted and seraphs were flying around calling to one another, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is filled with His glory!” At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. Isaiah cried out, “woe to me, I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.” I think that’s exactly how I would feel. My first instinct would be to fall to the ground with my head bowed low ashamed to be in the presence of God because I am the worst of sinners. Unworthy to stand in the presence of God, blemished and filthy. I can’t imagine what Isaiah thought when he saw one of the seraphs bring a burning coal to touch his lips to take away the guilt and atone for his sins. Did he feel the same way I felt when I found out that Christ died for me so that my guilt would be taken away and my sins atoned for? Did he feel clean and all bright and shiny like I did when I learned that I was now a new creation in Christ, that the old Rachel was dead and gone and the new one was here? Did he feel loved and adored like me when he finally found what he was desperately searching for his whole life? Did he feel like the scarlet letter was finally taken off his clothes and now he was wearing the brightest white robe ever? I think he did because when we get near the end of his book in chapter 61:10, he writes, “I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”
I am so grateful that I can feel clean and forgiven of all my sins; past, present and future sins. No longer can the heinous sins of my past haunt me because Jesus came to set the captives free. He came to lift me out of the slimy pit, the mud and mire and set my feet upon a rock; no ordinary rock but The Rock. He redeemed my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. He loves me with an everlasting love. God’s love and kindness towards me is mind boggling.
Happy 10 Year Sober Anniversary!
I can’t believe that today, July 14, I have been sober for 10 years! What an amazing journey this has been and I am so grateful that I didn’t have to do it alone. Not only is it my sobriety birthday, it’s also my Christian birthday which makes it extra special. I gave my heart and life to Christ on July 14, 2001 and my life has not been the same since. If you want to read my whole testimony, click here.
Looking back on the last 10 years brings tears of happiness to my eyes because I can’t believe how very much God loves me. Sometimes I feel like I can grasp the depth and breadth of it, then other times I know I don’t even close to comprehending it. I only have to look back over my entire life to see how He had a plan and purpose for me all along. Through all my addictions and heinous sins, He loved me anyways. Not once I got cleaned up, but during it all. Amazing.
Who knew 10 years ago my life would turn out the way it did. Not only am I loved by God, but I’m married to the most wonderful husband in the world. I thought I was going to stay single and be a missionary in Africa, God had other plans. It’s funny how He works everything out according to His plans, not mine. Who knew that my mother would become one of my best friends after years of animosity and that our relationship would be restored beyond what I could ever imagine. Who knew that I would go to Bible college and earn my bachelor of theology degree (the first one in my family to graduate from college). Who knew that 10 years ago, I would wake up hungover and hating myself and my life and go to bed a new creation in Christ, loved and forgiven, redeemed and set free from a life of addictions. Jesus Christ, lover of my soul, that’s who. The One who gave up His life for me as a ransom. My debt is paid in full. Pardoned, redeemed, exonerated, absolved. It’s almost incomprehensible to think that a life was given freely for mine. Especially someone who was perfect and did absolutely nothing wrong. But because of His incredulous love for me, He laid down His life for me so that I could be forgiven and live an life in abundance.
Thank you Jesus for loving me enough when no one else did. Thank you for taking my horrendous sins and paying the price that should have been mine to pay. Thank you Jesus that it’s only by your grace that I am saved, that nothing I could have done would have been enough. Thank you Jesus that I have the honor and privilege to serve you for the rest of my life. Thank you Lord that you love me anyways. This song sums up how I feel.
Why Am I So Unhappy?
I have been reading the book The Greener Grass Conspiracy and the title of the first chapter is Why am I so unhappy? The author talks about playing the “what if” game and the way to play it is to think about what would make you happy. Really, freakishly happy. We play it by inserting “what if” in front of things like, “if only I could get married then I would be happy” or “if only I could get that job promotion, then I would be satisfied” or “if only my budget wasn’t so tight, then I’d have peace, joy, contentment, and some sleep at night.” He goes on to say once you’ve identified your “if only” dream, invest all your hopes in that dream and spend hours thinking and praying about it. Put all your hopes for life and happiness into that dream. Imagine how happy you’ll finally be when that dream is fulfilled. Most people are good at playing the “what if” game. The only problem is, you never win.
If you struggle with discontentment, ask yourself this question, “am I always waiting for that next event/person/place/thing to happen so that it will fulfill the deepest desires of my heart?” If so, you will never, ever be content. Why? The Bible explains it best in Mark 7:21-23, “For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” It’s so easy to blame everything else for our circumstances but ultimately, it’s our fault. The raging, covetous, discontented desires come from within and they won’t be satisfied when circumstances change.
The author then goes on to talk about our constant desire to make an image for God. Our hearts are idol factories and we are constantly creating new idols to worship. Not golden calves, mind you, but idols nonetheless. Ultimately, the problem is stated best in James 4:1-3, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” When we don’t get what we want, we throw a temper tantrum and if we’re not careful, we can become angry with God and discontent with life. We grumble and complain and happiness appears to be out of reach. So what’s the hope if we are discontent? What do we do? Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-12, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” I think if the Apostle Paul can be content in whatever circumstances (beatings, stonings, shipwrecks, starvation, assassination attempts, snakebites, riots, etc) then we can also learn to be content.
This post is not meant to bring condemnation but conviction. As I am reading this book, my eyes are being opened to my own sin. Is is painful? Yes. Is it necessary? Yes. Does it bring me closer to the Lord? Absolutely. And ultimately, that’s what I want. I want to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I am grateful for the Bible and for godly people who write godly books to help me along the way.
Made for One Purpose
I have been reading a book titled The Greener Grass Conspiracy by Stephen Altrogge. He is a pastor at one of our sister Sovereign Grace churches in Pa. The book is a very easy read and it’s packed with personal stories, which I enjoy. I wanted to share some of what he wrote in chapter 2 because it really hit home with me. He begins by quoting Isaiah 43:6-7 and here is portion of it, “everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” He goes on to say:
We were created for God’s glory. In other words, God put you and me on this planet to bring Him glory. I exist to display His worth to the world and to show how great God really is. God is at the center of all things and we exist for Him. Not the other way around. Life is not about my ultimate happiness and self-fulfillment. Does God love me? Yes, absolutely, but He doesn’t exist for me. Everything exists by God and for God. The universe orbits around God.
Discontentment begins when I start trying to be God. Discontentment happens when I attempt to displace God from His rightful place at the center of the universe. When I think that everything should run according to my plans instead of God’s plans. When I forget that God is God and that He allowed to do with me whatever He wants, whatever will bring Him glory. Discontentment results from a big view of myself and a very little view of God. Contentment is created in the shadow of the majesty of God. I become content when I see and treasure embrace the glory of God. I find contentment when I grasp the fact that life is not primarily about me and my comfort and my happiness. My soul is satisfied when I stop trying to elbow my way to the center of the universe and instead rejoice in and worship the God who really is the center of all things.
I couldn’t have said it better. Discontentment is an awful thing. I looked up the meaning in a dictionary and it’s defined as a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. What do you crave? What are the deepest desires of your heart that only the Lord knows about? Do you have the greener grass syndrome? Are you always thinking that other people have everything they want and you are the only person in life who doesn’t? Are you more focused on pleasing yourself rather then rejoicing in and worshiping God? When we realize that God created us with a plan and a purpose and ultimately He is in charge, we will live in a state of contentment. Whenever I start feeling a spirit of discontentment come over me, I quote Philippians 4:8, “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
I will actually ask myself questions based on this verse like, is what I’m thinking or feeling right now true? Is it noble? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable? Is it excellent or praiseworthy? If it’s not, then I am most likely struggling with the sin of discontentment. As soon as I confess my sin to the Lord and take my thoughts captive, I am once again filled with His peace. His wonderful peace that surpasses all understanding. I am so grateful that the Lord did not leave me here alone but that I have the Holy Spirit to help me.
Psalm 19
I am going through the Book of Psalms again and I was reading Psalm 19 this morning.
“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.“
I love sitting in my sun room and having my devotions in the early hours of the morning. I open up all the windows and I love to hear the birds chirping because it makes me think they are singing their little birdie hearts out to God. This is one of my favorite Psalms because it talks about how God speaks through His creation. I like to think that unreached people will hear God’s message and come to know Him through the works of his hands.
When I was in Peru on a mission trip several years ago, we took a ride in an open cattle truck up the mountain side to a very remote village. It was the scariest ride of my life because there were potholes everywhere and no lights and you could barely see the road. At times, we drove straight up the mountain and I remember one of the pastors singing a song about going home to the be with the Lord! Although it was scary, it was also the most beautiful ride of my life. The stars were shining so bright and I couldn’t help but think about this Psalm while looking up at them. I tried to describe it to people when I came home but there were no words that would do it justice. The closest I came was to tell people to imagine a black sheet with a million holes in it with light behind it shining through the holes. It was magnificent. I also thought about what Isaiah wrote in verse 40:26,
“Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.“
It’s incredible to think that God named each and every star and that not one of them is missing. They are silent but night after night, they reveal their knowledge. Next time you are outside at night, stop and look up and just take it all in. God speaks through His creation and He wants to tell you something.
Real Freedom
I am grateful for our country and like most people, I love picnics and fireworks. It seems like this is what July 4th is all about. We have many freedoms simply because we are American and many people paid dearly with their lives to give us this freedom. We celebrate them and their heroic valor towards us and our country. We are grateful to them. I don’t find anything wrong about celebrating but today I would like to talk about a different freedom. A freedom that only Christ can bring. Galatians 5:1 states, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Christ has ultimately set us free. Freedom from the law, sin, death and eternal separation from God. That’s the freedom I want to celebrate. I love what Martin Luther writes in his commentary about this verse,
“Our conscience is free and quiet because it no longer has to fear the wrath of God. This is real liberty, compared with which every other kind of liberty is not worth mentioning. Who can adequately express the boon that comes to a person when he has the heart-assurance that God will nevermore be angry with him, but will forever be merciful to him for Christ’s sake? This is indeed a marvelous liberty, to have the sovereign God for our Friend and Father who will defend, maintain, and save us in this life and in the life to come.”
On July 14, 2001, I was set free. Set free from a life filled with self hatred, guilt, shame, drugs, alcohol and all the debauchery you can imagine. I woke up with one of the worst hangovers I have ever had and I was in my bed covered in my own vomit. I wanted to die. I had tried to take my own life 6 times and twice ended up on life support. Doctors didn’t think I would live. I was anorexic and my body started to feed off of my own organs to survive. I had a horrible heart murmur yet smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I didn’t care. I hated my life. I had no purpose. Until that fateful day almost 10 years ago. I woke up and thought to myself, “I just can’t do this anymore. I remember asking God if He was real and if He was, He had to help me.” It was the strangest thing because within a few minutes, I felt a calm and peace I have never felt before. That began my new life in Christ and my new freedom in Christ. Click here if you want to read my entire testimony. My 10 year Christian anniversary will be in just 10 days. I can’t believe that I have also been sober for 10 years.
My life is so different than it was 10 years ago. It hasn’t been without trials or temptations but the Lord got me through them. I am amazed how much the Lord has changed me and continues to change me to be more like Him. I fail everyday and everyday I get right back up and choose to walk in His grace and mercy. The kindness of God boggles my mind and many times I wonder, why me? Then I think of the portion of scripture in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” This is why I share my testimony with everyone who will listen. I have received much comfort and want other people to receive it as well. I want people who are struggling with addictions and shame and all that goes with it to see that God is real and is who He says He is and will do what His Word says He will do. If God can take a grievous sinner like me and use it to bring glory to Him, then I will continue to boast in Him.
Happy 4th of July and don’t forget to thank the giver of real freedom, Jesus Christ.
Stop Complaining, Part 2
So many Israelites, so many complaints! I guess I can’t blame them though, I think I’d be whining too if all I did was move around following a cloud in the desert eating manna all day! It’s in our sin nature, we love to complain. In many ways, we are no different than the Israelites. I like to think that if I saw all the miracles and wonders God did for them, (saving their first born sons, parting the Red Sea, feeding them manna, etc) I would have had more faith than they did and not have been so disobedient. But then I think, wait a minute, I’ve seen tons of miracles! I am a miracle! I should have been dead several times over yet God brought my broken body back to life. Does that make me more obedient? Why is it that instead of rejoicing in who God is and what He is going to do in our lives during trials, we whine about our circumstances and look for a way out? James 1:2 states very clearly what we are supposed to do, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds…” Pure joy? Yep, pure joy or else what happened to the Israelites could happen to you!
Numbers 21:4-9 tells us that while the Israelites were wandering around, they grew impatient (roll eyes, here they go again). They spoke against God and Moses and once again they ask why they were brought out of Egypt to die in the desert. They whine about not having bread or water and they actually say they detest the miserable manna (the heavenly food sent by God). What did the Lord do? He sent venomous snakes among them and they bit the people and many of them died. So the people come to Moses and confess their sin of speaking against him and God and they ask Moses to pray that the Lord will take the snakes away. Moses prays for the people and the Lord tells him to make a bronze snake and put it on a pole. Interesting…anyways, it worked! When the people who were bit looked at the bronze snake, they didn’t die, they lived.
I love the fact that as soon as they repented and confessed their sin, God healed them. He consistently does this throughout Scripture. Over and over again we see the patterns of the Israelites; they sin, they confess, God rescues them. He does this today with us as well. We sin, sometimes the same ones over and over again, yet if “we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I love that verse. It was the second verse I memorized as a new Christian because I couldn’t believe that God loved me that much. The first verse I memorized was Romans 5:8, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Wow, WHILE we were sinners, not all cleaned up and sitting in a church pew waiting for Him but while we were committing horrible sins against Him.
Makes me wonder how I could ever complain or grumble against Him or any situation I might be in. I have to ask myself the question, did I end up here because of my disobedience or is the Lord trying to make me more like Him? For me, it’s usually one or the other. I am grateful for His mercy and kindness on me by not sending me snakes!
Stop Complaining!
I’ve been reading through the Book of Numbers lately and it never ceases to amazes me just how much the Israelites grumble. Numbers 20:1-12 tells us the story of them complaining about not having water to drink. I can’t really blame them, I’d probably be whining too! So of course, what do they do? They turn on their leaders and it says they “gathered in opposition against Moses and Aaron.” Isn’t it so much easier to blame other people when we don’t get what we want? Anyways, they start whining about life being better in Egypt where they had figs, pomegranates, cucumbers and leeks (they must have forgotten the whole slavery and oppression issue).
So Moses goes to the entrance of the Tent of Meeting and falls face down to inquire of the Lord. The Lord tells him to take the staff, gather the people together and speak to the rock and water will flow from it so the people and their livestock can drink from it. Moses and Aaron gather the people in front of the rock and instead of speaking to the rock, he says, “listen, you rebels, must we bring water out of this rock?” He then raised his arm and struck the rock twice with the staff. Water gushed out and everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone…God was not. He tells Moses and Aaron, “because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.” Wow, that was harsh. Just because Moses didn’t follow exactly what God said, God was not going to let him into the Promised Land. 40 years of wandering in the desert, listening to all the complaining and whining, and he doesn’t get to enter. It’s a strong punishment for an offense that doesn’t seem so bad, right? Wrong!
God wants our absolute obedience, He doesn’t want partial obedience. Disobedience always has consequences. I know for me it’s easy to feel like my trials are the result of someone else or the fall of mankind or whatever else I can blame, when in reality, many times they come from my lack of obedience. I think an important thing to note from this portion of Scripture is that God does not like complaining! 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 states, “rejoice always, pray continually, gives thanks in ALL circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” We should be focused on the things of the Lord (rejoicing, praying and giving thanks) instead of expending energy complaining about our circumstances. I know it’s easier at times to whine because it’s almost second nature but when we do what it says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 and take our thoughts captive, then and only then can we make them obedient to Christ. Romans 12:2 gives us another anecdote, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
There are so many portions of Scripture that deal with Israel’s complaining and the serious consequences that follow and I’ll write about those in my next post. Til then…
How we conduct ourselves
I was reading Philippians chapter 1 and something made me stop and meditate on the first part of verse 27. “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ.” I started to think about all the times that I failed to do this and wondered how many other people thought about this. As I was thinking about it, I remembered a funny story from a friend of mine about this exact thing. She was waiting in line on the day before Thanksgiving at a honey baked ham store and needless to say, the line went out the door and the place was crazy. She was getting frustrated by the minute and was about to say something she was going to regret when she looked down and realized she was wearing a jacket that had the name of our church on it. If that wasn’t enough, she was actually on staff at our church and was picking up the ham for a church event!
On a more serious note, it’s funny how different we act when we know people are watching us. Why is this? We are representatives of Christ and 2 Corinthians 5:20 calls us ambassadors. Everywhere we go, everything we do and “whatever happens,” we should be conducting ourselves in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ. I think this goes well beyond the way we act but it’s also living everyday life with an attitude of looking for the lost and people who are hurting. I met a police officer years ago who told me a story that represents this perfectly.
He told me that he carries his gun 24/7, even when he’s not working. He said no matter what he does or where he goes, he is always aware of what’s going on around him. He was running errands on his day off last week and actually witnessed a robbery! He was able to catch the robber and everything worked out and no one was hurt.
This man is an officer of the law. It’s bred into him that he is to serve and protect. He is cop 100 % of the time. Not from 9-5, Monday thru Friday. That’s because it is who he is. He doesn’t flip a switch after work then he doesn’t care about protecting people anymore. I thought of how this compares to us Christians and I was honestly convicted of my attitude. Can you imagine if all Christians all the time went about life looking for the hurting, the lost, the sad, the broken and we were always aware of the pain around us? Can you imagine what we could accomplish?! If we were like the police officer always looking to see how we could be available and actually looking to bless someone? It blows my mind to think of the impact we could have.
I pray that today, I would be aware. Aware of anyone who needs the life-saving message of Christ. Aware of anyone who may just need a smile or a hug. I pray that I may represent Christ well and whatever happens today, I will conduct myself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ.
When God interrupts our plans
Have you ever made plans when all of sudden your plans get interrupted? It doesn’t matter that you’ve spent an enormous amount of time or money planning this activity. It doesn’t matter that you had your heart set on doing whatever it was you planned. All you know is everything has changed. It doesn’t seem fair! At the time, it seemed like this was what God wanted you to do. It doesn’t make sense. When God changes everything on me, I know I can sometimes get frustrated or wonder why He is changing it. I don’t instantly think, “wow, God must really have something good for me to change things around like this. I can’t wait to see what He’s got up His sleeves. He is going to use me to change someone’s life or encourage them.” No, I think wahhhhhhh! What a spiritual baby I can be at times like these! Why do we (ok, me) have a hard time being open when God changes things?
Of course you can’t think about circumstances changing without thinking about the apostle Paul. Poor guy, all he wanted to do was preach the Gospel in Asia but was “kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching there” (Acts 16:6) and as he tried to enter Bithynia, “the Spirit wouldn’t allow them to enter there either” (vs 7). He was probably thinking, hmmm, I’m trying to fulfill the great commission here, what’s going on?! So they ended up in Philippi, where Paul and his buddy Silas were promptly stripped, severely flogged and thrown into prison (Acts 16:22-23). I think if it was me, I may have actually threw a tantrum; a full blown, throw myself on the floor, kicking my feet, hissy fit. I may have wondered what God was doing and asked Him why He thought being in jail was better than preaching the Gospel to the masses. Maybe Paul did have some of these feelings, I’ll never know. What I do know is that about midnight, Paul was singing hymns with Silas and the other prisoners were listening to them (Acts 16:25). Singing hymns! I’m pretty sure that I would not be singing Amazing Grace but something more along the lines of “nobody loves me, everyone hates me, I’ll just go eat worms”.
On a serious note, Paul could have felt frustration, disappointment or even anger but he took advantage of his circumstances to do what he was called to do, preach the Gospel. He thought it would be to the masses, God had better plans. He caused an earthquake and all the doors of the prison flew open. How cool is that?! The jailer woke up and was freaking out worried that everyone was going to get away so he was going to kill himself. Paul shouts to him, “don’t harm yourself, we are all here” (Acts 16:27-28). Next thing you know, the jailer is asking Paul, “what must I do to be saved?” (v 30). Can you imagine the scene? How many times has someone asked you that question? Me? Never! So Paul shares the Gospel with him and he and his entire household was saved. Incredible. Moments earlier, this guard was ready to kill himself. Now, he is a child of God and a brother in Christ.
God changed Paul’s plan and I’ll say that plan was way better. This portion of Scripture is such a good reminder that we need to be open to where God may be leading us and not so caught up with our own agenda. My prayer today is to be open to God’s leading and not be so consumed by what I want to do but be focused on what He wants me to do.
Trials and joy
Is it possible to be in the midst of a trial and be joyful at the same time? If you look at the apostle Paul’s life, you have to agree that it is. I’ve been doing a Bible study by Warren Wiersbe on the book of Philippians, one of my favorite books of the Bible. I always get so convicted when I study this small book of only 4 chapters. It astounds me when I think of Paul writing this incredible letter of joy from prison. I love Paul’s testimony because in many ways, it reminds me of mine. When Paul describes himself as the chief of sinners, I know exactly how he feels.
Warren Wiersbe writes,
“in spite of his circumstances as a prisoner in Rome, Paul was rejoicing. The secret of his joy was the single mind; he lived for Christ and the Gospel. (Christ is named 18 times in the first chapter of Philippians and the Gospel mentioned 6 times). “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” What really is the “single mind”? It is the attitude that says, “it makes no difference what happens to me just as long as Christ is glorified and the Gospel shared with others.” Paul rejoiced in spite of his circumstances because his circumstances strengthened the fellowship of the Gospel (1:1-11), promoted the furtherance of the Gospel (1:12-26) and guarded the faith of the Gospel (1:27-30).”
What do you think? How do you feel about rejoicing in spite of circumstances? Trials tend to turn people inward, we think about ourselves and our circumstances instead of being focused on Christ. Take Paul’s imprisonment while he is writing this letter. He had every right to be angry, frustrated, discouraged and I’m not saying he didn’t have these emotions but this letter is a letter of joy. Paul had the “single mind” because he knew that God had a purpose for him to be in jail at that exact moment in time. In verses 12-14, he writes, “now I want you to know brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the Gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the Lord more courageously and fearlessly.”
Paul had the incredible opportunity to share the Gospel with the prisoners and the guards. He wasn’t focused on his circumstances, he was focused on eternal things, not temporal things. Paul’s ultimate goal was to preach the Gospel. Period. I don’t know about you but I wish I had his mindset. I think my life would look very different. I wouldn’t get frustrated or angry about circumstances or trials. I would welcome these as opportunities to share the Gospel. I pray that I would be able to have the “single mind.” How much easier my life would be if my only expectation would be to further God’s kingdom. I am so grateful that God loves me so much and I’m going to close with verse 6, “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ.” This gives me hope!
Father’s Day
It never fails. Every year around Father’s Day there is a deep sadness I feel in my heart. Words can’t really describe it and although I am grateful that I have a new Father now, it still hurts. Growing up with 3 different dads you would think that at least one of them would have seen me as a little princess but for reasons only known to God, it didn’t happen. Looking back on my life, I can definitely see the areas of my life that were deeply affected by a lack of a father’s love and my life before Christ certainly proved what psychologists have been saying since the beginning of time, little girls need their daddies. If they are not loved by their fathers they will seek that love as they grow up. They will have a daddy shaped hole in their heart and they will look to other men to fill it and the results are disastrous. What is even more amazing is that God created us with a hole in our hearts as well that only He could fill. I realize that now, years after trying to fill it with everything else from drugs to alcohol to relationships. Even though at times, I feel the sadness of not having a father love me or speak tenderly to me, I know that I now have the best, most lovable Father anyone could ever want or imagine. He loves me in spite of myself and so perfectly in a way no other human being on earth can. His love and motives are pure. His love, totally unconditional. How amazing is that?! Romans 5:8 says “while I was a sinner, Christ gave His life for me!” Not after I got my act together! (He knew that would never happen!) So instead, of feeling sadness, I will choose to bask in my heavenly presence and love for me. I wrote a few of my Scriptures below that I have stored up in my heart and when I start doubting my worth or feel that longing in my heart, I say these over and over. In the book of Psalms, it says “God sent forth His Word and healed them” and I can honestly say, that His Word has healed my heart. I sometimes will stand in front of a mirror and repeat these verses over and over to myself.
I am created in His image
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am the apple of His eye
He sings songs over me and delights in me
His love for me is as high as the heavens
His compassion and mercies are new for me everyday
He knows how many hairs are on my head
He knows what I need before I even ask
My name is written on His heart
No one can snatch me from His hand
He upholds me with His righteous right hand
He rescues me because He delights in me
He redeems my life from the pit
He restores to me what the locusts have eaten
He gave me a new heart
He put a new song in my mouth
He loves me with an everlasting love
He is close to me when I am broken hearted
He always watches over me and does not sleep
He is always with me
He is the lover of my soul
I am His beloved
I am His Bride!
My almost 10 year anniversary
I can’t believe that one month from today, I will have been sober for 10 years! 10 years! That is such a miracle because I shouldn’t even be alive. July 14, 2001 is a day I will never, ever forget because I not only got sober that day, I gave my life to the Lord and became a Christian. I woke up sick, hungover, lying in vomit and I went to bed a new creation in Christ. I was alone, no one guided in a prayer or anything. God spoke to me, not audibly but to my heart. I can’t describe it, it was like I just knew He was there in my room with me. I could feel His presence and I didn’t understand it. I didn’t need to. I just said, “ok God, if you are really who you say You are, then you are going to have to show me”. I was so sick of being hungover all the time and struggling with depression and shame about how I was living my life.
I had no idea that I would come to love Christ and understand the depth of His love, His kindness and His absolute forgiveness for me. I don’t live in condemnation or shame or guilt anymore. I walk with my head held high, clothed in His righteousness. I remember the first 2 verses I memorized, 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” and Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”. To know that all my sins, my past, my everything was forgiven was mind boggling to me but to know that God died for me while I was doing all these horrible things? That was powerful. He didn’t die for me while I was sitting in a church pew singing hymns. He died for me while I was committing horrible sins against Him, while I was trying to kill the very life He gave me. And why? Because He loves me. That’s it. He simply loves and adores me. He has shown me His loving kindness and there is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for that day that He made Himself known to me. Thank you Lord Jesus!
If you think God can’t use you…think again!
I posted this a few years ago and was scanning through some of my writings and felt like I should re-post this. In church this morning, we had a guest speaker who was preaching on Romans 5:12-21 and a few things struck me which brought me to this post. Verse 19 sums up this portion of Scripture, “for just as through the disobedience of the one man, the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man, the many will be made righteous.” There is absolutely nothing we can do do earn God’s amazing mercy or grace. Not one thing! Because of Jesus’ obedience, we are made righteous. Because of Jesus, although we should stand condemned, we can enter boldly into the throne room. Because of Jesus, we have eternal life. No condemnation. No matter how lousy we think we are, no matter how many times we feel like we are failing to work out our faith, no matter what, God can and will use us to fulfill His purposes. With that..here is the repost:
If you are like me, you can sometimes feel like God can use everyone else but us because of what we’ve done or not done. We think things like, “how could I possibly minister to anyone or help them out when I am struggling with so many issues?” How can the Lord use someone like me when I keep falling into the same sins again and again? How can I share the Gospel with anyone since they know what my issues are?” These questions and many others have plagued Christians long enough. There are so many messed up people in the Bible, it’s like reading a soap opera. So many of our “heroes” of the Bible committed horrible sins and failed many times yet these are the very people that God used.
So much has been written about the failings of David, Moses, Sampson, so many of them I won’t take the time to list, but what about the people God does use? He chose a young virgin to carry the Messiah. How incredible is that? A young girl who was never heard of, had no real significance that we know of, yet she gets to carry the Christ-child? What about the announcement of Jesus coming into the world? A host of angels appeared to some shepherds out in a field to make the most important announcement in the world and the Lord chose to do this to some lowly shepherds. I myself love Rahab. She is definitely a bad girl gone good. (very much like me) She was a prostitute yet God spared her family. When Joshua sent spies to check out the Promised Land, they went to her and she hid them. She told them that she had heard what God did for the Israelites (led them out Egypt) and she asked them to spare her family when the Israelites would come in and kill all the ickyites (that’s my nickname for the Hittites, Canaanites, Jebusites, etc). They told her to put a scarlet robe out of her window and by doing that, they would not go into her house and annihilate her family. Sound familiar? A acarlet robe, why not green or purple or blue? Don’t miss the significance of the color red. The very same color was painted on the doorposts to spare the Israelites from the death angel. Imagine that! The same blood that saved the Israelites, God’s chosen people, would also be the same blood that would save a prostitute and her family. Rahab ended up living with the Israelites. How amazing that God would use her when the world would think she was unusable.
I talk to so many people who are walking around in condemnation and it is so easy for us to get down on ourselves and think that God can’t use us. The truth is God wants to use us. He needs to use us. We have so much to offer but the enemy tries to pursuade us in thinking that we don’t. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic amongst many other things. I am proof of the grace of God. God is using my horrible past and sins and failures to bring glory to Himself. Who better to help an addict or alcoholic than me? Yet, if I felt shame about my past or didn’t understand grace, I could very well keep it all a secret and in doing that, end up not sharing the hope we have in Christ. If God can use a prostitute like Rahab or a drunk like me, than there is no doubt in my mind that He can use anyone. We have to remember that God has a plan for our lives and if our focus is on Him and His grace and mercy and not on our failures or shortcomings, then and only then can He use us. I pray that we would walk around in God’s grace, knowing and being 100% convinced of His absolutely crazy love for us because that’s when we will realize that no matter how we feel or what we are going through, we are here to further His kingdom and bring Him glory. Today, I pray that we walk in the grace of God knowing that He can and will use us
What are you expecting?
In Acts 3:1-5, Peter and John were going up to the temple to pray. There was a man who was crippled from birth who was put at the temple gate every morning to beg from those entering the temple. Could you imagine doing the same thing over and over each and every day? And begging at that. Anyways, He saw Peter and John about to enter the temple and he begged them for money. It’s interesting that Peter looked straight at him and and said, “look at us!” That tells me that the crippled man was probably not even looking at them but out of habit, just begged from everyone. It’s almost like he wasn’t expecting anything from Peter and John and was very non-nonchalant about it. In verse 5 it says that the man then gave them his attention expecting to get something from them. When we expect something, we are waiting for it to happen. Think about when we order something online, for me it’s always Amazon.com. If you’re like me, I know about when it’s coming so I check my front porch every day looking for the box. When I finally see the package, my heart flutters a little because I am so excited it’s finally here.
That really challenged me and got me thinking about how we can go through our own lives praying nonchalantly and not really expecting God to answer us. We come to the Lord every day or every week and we don’t give Him our undivided attention. We ask for things like more faith, less fear and anxiety, a godly spouse, yet we are not really focused on God. Like the beggar sitting at the temple gate, day in and day out, asking for money yet not really believing he was going to get any. I think God is telling us, “Look at me! Stop checking your emails, looking at Facebook, answering texts and look at me!” He wants and deserves our total focus and undivided attention. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to come to the Lord halfheartedly. I want to come to Him with great expectation. I want to have that feeling when I’m waiting on Him, like waiting for the package to come. I truly believe that when our focus is on Him, it changes what’s going on in our hearts.
I love the song, “While I’m Waiting” and I think it describes how I feel. Here is the video and lyrics:
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
If the Lord had not been on my side
I’ve been doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the Psalms of Accent and today read Psalm 124. The first few verses start out, “If the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive.” She then went on to talk about times when she felt like she was being swallowed alive but thanks to God, she wasn’t. She also makes this statement which is thought provoking, “Our battle is not with flesh and blood but with the powers of darkness (Ephesians 6:10-12), but Satan successfully enlists human help in his scheme against us. I know that before I started to follow Christ, Satan definitely used me for his schemes. I am so thankful that God can take my entire past and use it now for His glory.
One question which really struck me in her study is this…What about you? What might have happened with your life ‘if the Lord had not been on your side?’ Wow, great question. I know I would have either ended finally succeeding in killing myself or I would have drank myself to death. I would have continued to live a life filled with pain, sorrow, regrets, shame, guilt, depression and so many other things had not the Lord intervened in my life. I am so grateful every single day of my life that He lifted me out of my pit and set my feet on the Rock. I can’t believe that on July 14, I will be sober for 10 years! Not only sober but it’s also the day of my new life in Christ and my salvation. I am convinced that if the Lord had not been on my side, I would not be here today. I pray that I would never, ever forget the depths from which God rescued me. Thank you Lord!!
Kiku gets a mohawk!
I know this is not very spiritual but I couldn’t resist! My baby gets her first pink mohawk. She looks awesome!
Happy Birthday to me!
I can’t believe that I reached my 45th birthday. I can’t imagine how before the creation of the world, God knew this day would come. He knew I would be sober, married to a great man and living my life to the absolute full. He knew that on July 14, 2001, He would make me into a new creation. Forgiven, loved, adored and clothed in righteousness. Made in the image of Christ. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, hopelessness and alcoholism and set my feet on the Rock and put a new song in my mouth. He is my deliverer and lover of my soul. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was at my absolute worst. When I felt most alone and scared, hating myself for what I had become, you called me to yourself because of your great love for me. You forgave and continue to forgive me as far as the east is from the west. You make beauty from ashes. You make all things new. You have a plan and purpose for my life. Thank You Lord for giving me 45 years on this earth thus far.
On a less than spiritual note, here is my birthday present from my wonderful hubby!
While I was a sinner…
It never ceases to amaze me how much God loves me. Perfectly. Unconditionally. Without judgment. Without constraint. With all my flaws and all the sins of my past, present and future. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: WHILE we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.” While I was a sinner? While I was His enemy and at war with Him? While I was an alcoholic? While I was doing so many horrible things? Yes, because it’s not about me and what I did. It’s about Him and what He and He alone can do. He sacrificed His most beloved possession for me. He let His very own Son get mocked, ridiculed, flogged and spit upon for me so that I wouldn’t have to bear these things. He put my shame, my pain, my hurt and all the things I have ever done and would ever do and nailed them to His hands and feet. He paid the ultimate price so that I wouldn’t have to. Not once I got clean or sober or got my act together. Not because I went to church every week or because I was obedient or good or kind to people. It was simply because He chose me before the creation of the earth to be His. It’s because all my days were ordained for me before one of them came to be. It’s because He fearfully and wonderfully made me. It’s because when I was made in the secret place, His eyes saw my unformed body. It’s because He takes great delight in me and rejoices over me with singing. True love, God’s redeeming love.
Paul and Silas
I was reading in Acts 16 and for some reason, I can’t get it off my mind. Paul and Silas has just been severely flogged and thrown into a prison in Philippi and there they were, praying and singing hymns to God. Every time I read that, I am dumbfounded. If I had just been beaten and severely at that, I think I would be whining and complaining because they really did nothing wrong. Yet, here were these 2 godly men, with their feet in stocks in the inner cell singing their hearts out to God. It’s interesting that we are told the other prisoners were listening to them because, whether we want to believe it or not, people are always watching us. They want to see if we walk our talk, especially in tough times.
The story goes on to say that suddenly there was a violent earthquake and all the prison doors flew open. When the prison guard saw this, he drew his sword to kill himself because he thought all the prisoners had escaped but Paul yells, “don’t harm yourself, we are all here.” The next statement the guard is asking them, “what must he do to be saved?” Unbelievable! As I was thinking about this yesterday and today, it struck me that this guard asked them about salvation, not the other way around. Could you imagine if our lives reflected Jesus and our love for God so much that people would stop us and ask us, “what must I do to be saved?” I imagine the guard probably thought Paul and Silas were crazy. They has just been severely beaten and they were singing to God!! I can hear them singing, Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me... Wow. I continued to read the rest of the chapter and not only did the prison guards entire family come to know the Lord, but Paul and Silas actually went to their friend Lydia’s house once they got out. It says they met with the brothers and encouraged them. The last thing I think I would want to do after I had been beaten and up all night was go to someone’s house to encourage them! I was really challenged by this but also encouraged. When I am at my weakest point, it’s good to know that God will give me the same spiritual strength that He gave these 2 men. He always gives us what we need to do what He has called us to do, not what we want to do but what He has called us to do.
A New Day
Yesterday was a tough day. Today is a new day. I am a new creation. God is the Creator and makes everything beautiful. I love it. It’s pouring rain outside and I have the windows open so I can listen to it. It’s like God is playing a melodious tune with the raindrops and putting on a show just for me. The leaves are starting to turn a little and the birds and squirrels are eating the seeds in the bird feeder’s as they prepare for the winter. Beautiful yellow, black and silver finches, Robin’s and cardinals and blue jays oh my…
It still amazes me that God created everything and gives life and breath to everything. Every day I wake up and thank God for my new life. I am so grateful that I have been sober for 9 years. I am so grateful that He gave me eyes to see and legs to walk. I am so thankful for my husband, step-kids, grandbabies and puppy. I am so grateful for my fibromyalgia that draws me closer to God and reminds me that He loves me and counts me worthy enough to carry this cross. I am so grateful that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I am thankful that as far as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for me. I am so thankful that when I confess my sins, He forgives me and cleanses me with His righteousness. I am so grateful that God loves me so much that He would sacrifice His very own son for me. Me, a former Leper, former Mary Magdalene, former Samaritan woman at the well, former Pharisee and so many other things. Now, a new creation in Christ, clothed in His righteousness and proof that God makes beauty out of ashes.
The Frustrations of Fibromyalgia
I am exhausted, again, still. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 am, today at 2 am. My doctor told me my adrenal glands are little out of whack and it’s messing with my circadian rhythm (biological clock). My crp (inflammation in my body) is 68.19, it should be between .00-3.0. Every tendon, joint and muscle in my body hurts. I am frustrated. I am tired of being in pain. I’m tired of feeling good one day and the next, I walk hunched over like a little old lady. I am tired of hearing, “but you are getting better.” You don’t get better, you just learn to manage it better. It doesn’t go away. I can barely type this because the tendons in my hands feel like they are about an inch shorter than they should be. I am exhausted because 34 out of the last 37 days, I have had a migraine. My back and neck muscles are in constant spasm and I feel like someone has beat me with a baseball bat. And that’s just an average day with Fibromyalgia.
No one understands what it’s like to have this invisible illness. Unless you have it, you can’t comprehend it. I know that I have just begun my journey to wellness and it is going to take some time to undo a life of bad habits, abuse and whole lot of other things. I have changed my diet. I started Tai Chi. I am trying to rest everyday. I am trying to decrease my stress levels. I know this season will pass but I gotta tell you that when you are in the middle of it, it stinks.
Am I losing my faith? No. Am I mad at the Lord that I have FM? No. Have I cursed God? Absolutely not. I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and am grateful that He counts me worthy to suffer. I am not having a faith crisis. I am just tired. Bone tired and weary. Tired of living in chronic pain. Tired of hearing that I don’t look sick, I look so good. If I let the outside of me match the inside of me, no one would ever say that again. Why is it that if we look good then we must feel good? I wake up everyday with something hurting and with the help of the Lord, I do what I have to do. It takes every ounce of strength to smile sometimes and walk in the joy of the Lord and just because I look happy doesn’t mean I’m not sick.
I know people mean well but the best thing you can do is listen with empathy, not give us advice about how your so and so got cured by this or that or try this latest thing or go see this guy or that or ask us why we are stressed out. Believe me, if curing FM was easy, I wouldn’t be writing about it right now. If there was a one product that cured it, there wouldn’t be 10 million people suffering from it. If it wasn’t real, there wouldn’t be 3 FDA approved drugs for it.
The best thing that you can do for someone with Fibromyalgia is pray for them. Pray and just listen. Thanks for letting me share 
Below are the top 10 things that should NOT be said to someone with fibromyalgia, but which we hear all too often, along with information you can use to respond to and hopefully educate the person making the comment. They are presented in reverse order, ala David Letterman style.
10. We all get more aches and pains as we get older.
The pain of fibromyalgia is much more severe than the normal aches and pains associated with aging. Little things that shouldn’t hurt at all can be excruciatingly painful. Plus, most people develop FM long before they should be experiencing age-related aches and pains.
9. I think I have that, too – I’m always tired.
This statement shows a basic misunderstanding of the severity of the fatigue associated with FM. The fatigue of fibromyalgia is so much more than just being tired. It is an all-encompassing exhaustion. You are drained of energy – like someone pulled your plug, cutting of your source of power. It’s kind of like taking the batteries out of the Energizer bunny.
8. My friend has fibromyalgia and still manages to work. Maybe you just need a job (hobby, etc.) to take your mind off the pain.
Translation – you must be lazy. The fact is, the severity of FM symptoms varies. Some people have fairly mild symptoms and are able to continue working. Some continue working longer than they probably should because they have no other choice, but they suffer tremendously. Others are so disabled they are confined to a wheelchair much of the time. While getting involved in a project can help to distract your mind from the pain for short periods of time, if you have a more severe case, it doesn’t work well enough to allow you to consistently work a 40-hour week. And it doesn’t help dispel the extreme fatigue that usually accompanies FM.
7. My doctor says fibromyalgia isn’t a real disease; it’s just a wastebasket diagnosis.
First of all, this doctor obviously hasn’t kept up with the latest research, which clearly demonstrates that FM is a very real, physical disease. Also, to date the FDA has approved three medications to treat fibromyalgia and they generally don’t approve medications for imaginary illnesses. There are a few doctors who will tell patients they have fibromyalgia if they can’t figure out what is causing their symptoms and just want to get the patients off their back, but I have to question the ethics of a doctor who would do that.
6. If you got more sleep, you’d feel better.
Well, duh! One of the major problems with fibromyalgia is that something prevents the body from going into the deepest stage of sleep, when the body naturally restores and replenishes itself. Even if you manage to stay asleep for several hours, you’re most likely not going to awaken feeling refreshed. And most sleep medications do little to help you achieve that deep sleep. They may help you get more hours of sleep, but probably will still not give you the deep sleep you need.
5. I read about this new product that cures fibromyalgia.
This can be one of the toughest comments to deal with because it is usually said by well-meaning friends or relatives who genuinely want you to feel better. The products are frequently some kind of “natural” supplement being sold through a multi-level marketing plan and are very expensive. If those making the suggestions are casual acquaintances, I generally just tell them I appreciate their concern and will look into the product. However, if it’s someone closer to me who is likely to keep asking if I’ve tried the product, I go on to explain that there are dozens of products out there claiming to cure or at least improve FM and I just can’t afford to try them all. Read Let the Buyer Beware for tips on how to evaluate product claims.
4. At least it’s not fatal.
My first thought in response to this comment is always, “Yeah, but sometimes I wish it was. At least then I’d know there was an end to the pain.” I rarely say that, though. Of course I’m glad it’s not fatal. But that doesn’t help reduce the level of my pain or the depth of my fatigue. Nor does it help to raise research funding or bring attention to the needs of FM patients. Understandably, people tend to be more interested in preventing death than in improving the quality of life. Maybe I should start actually saying what I’m thinking when someone makes this comment. At least it might get their attention.
3. You just need to exercise more.
Often this is another way of insinuating that you’re lazy. This comment in particular has always bugged me. Perhaps it’s because I used to be a dancer and aerobics instructor. If more exercise were the answer, I’d be all over it. Yes, exercise is an important component of any fibromyalgia treatment plan, but it’s only one part and it has to be approached slowly and carefully to avoid triggering a flare. Read Fibromyalgia and Exercise for more information on how to incorporate exercise into your FM treatment plan.
2. But you don’t look sick.
This comment puts the FM patient between the proverbial rock and hard place. If we let ourselves go and show how we actually feel, people are uncomfortable and don’t want to be around us. On the other hand, if we manage to fix ourselves up and put on a brave face, no one realizes we’re sick. If you think about it, most chronic illnesses are invisible. My dad had heart disease but looked great until the moment he died from a massive heart attack. My mom had pancreatic cancer but looked fine. She didn’t even know anything was wrong until it was too far gone to treat. She didn’t “look sick” until the last couple of weeks of her life when she was confined to bed. Just because someone doesn’t have visible sores or a crippling deformity doesn’t mean there’s not a serious illness just under the surface.
Ta Daaa…… Here it is – the number one thing you should NOT say to a fibromyalgia patient:
1. It’s all in your head.
This is the all-time worst and most insulting thing you can say to someone with fibromyalgia. I used to launch into an explanation of how FM is a very real physical illness, complete with symptoms, etc. Now I simply say, “You’re right, it is in my head. Researchers have found that there is a problem with how my brain processes pain signals.” Enough said.
Ezekiel 36-A New Heart
I have been going back and reading my earlier blogs and wanted to re-post this one because it still applies today:
One of my favorite portions of Scripture is Ezekiel 36:25-36. The Lord is talking to the Israelites but it is such a great word for all of us. The first few verses say, “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
This is exactly what the Lord did for me. On the day I trusted Christ with my heart, I became a new creation in Christ, the old Rachel was gone in the blink of an eye and a new Rachel was here in her stead. Although He gave me a new heart and His Spirit was in me, it took a few years for me to really comprehend the fact that He made me clean. No longer was I a leper; untouchable, unlovable with my face turned away from God. I have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus. The very Spirit of God now lives in me and is guiding me into truth. The second part of this Scripture hit me one day as I read verses 33-36 and I realized that this is exactly what God is doing in my life now.
It says, “On the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns, and the ruins will be rebuilt. The desolate land will be cultivated instead of lying desolate in the sight of all who pass through it. They will say, ‘This land that was laid waste has become like the garden of Eden; the cities that were lying in ruins, desolate and destroyed, are now fortified and inhabited.’ Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the LORD have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the LORD have spoken, and I will do it.”
I feel like my past was like this land, lying desolate and in ruins. He has breathed His very own breath into me and and is replanting what was barren and desolate. It’s so incredible to think that the God of the universe and Savior of the world not only ransoms and redeems us, He also restores us. I never would have imagined 7 years ago where I would be today. Alive and living for Christ. Pure and righteous because of what Jesus did on the cross for me. Not because of anything I have done or could possibly ever do but because He loves me so very much. At times I wonder why He chose me and am so grateful He did.
Love Song from my husband
My husband just emailed this song to me and it blew me away! I am so blessed to have a man who loves me so much just the way I am.
To Honor My Husband
I am an incredibly blessed woman who has the best husband in the world. I can’t believe we have been married for 17 months now! I am so grateful that the Lord brought us together and is using our relationship to sanctify one other. My husband is committed to me (and I to him) no matter what. This is so important and I know that no matter what life throws at us, we will make it together. Our foundation is Jesus Christ. No questions. Ken is the leader and I am his help mate. I love it. I love understanding our God-given roles because in this society, it can be very confusing. The Bible is clear in many portions of Scripture and I like Ephesians 5:21-33. As much as I want to expound on these verses, I want to go back to my man. I will post about it though soon…
Ken (my hubby) has the unique, God-given ability to see the absolute best in people. It’s very refreshing and his altruistic view of people amazes me. I admire this trait in him and it inspires me to be more like him. He is also the most generous man I have ever met in my life. Time and time again, someone will come up to me and share the way he has blessed them by meeting a real financial need in their lives. Several months ago, I had a couple in church tell me how Ken paid for their date nights for a year or something crazy like that. Just a few days ago, I found out a family needed a washer and dryer and he bought them and took them to their house. He knows He can’t out give God and God is using him so much in this way. He gives freely and cheerfully.
He is an excellent example of what a loving father looks like too. He loves his kids unabashedly and has always been there for them. They know they can count on him for advice, wisdom or just plain laughter. His commitment to be the best dad to them has paid off because they are all awesome kids (well, grown ups).
He also loves me and serves me with such a passion and love that it boggles my mind. This past 6 months have been very difficult for me physically and even tasks that I love to do like cooking, cleaning and laundry were hard and left me extremely fatigued. He wakes up early every morning and I often come downstairs to find him unloading the dishwasher. He has done the laundry, cleaned the house, done the grocery shopping, took care of me and our puppy, Kiku and many more things. He makes me a special smoothie every morning loaded with super green foods, super fruits and all my vitamins. I have always has a hard time swallowing pills and this man of mine actually puts all my vitamins in a baggie and crushes them and adds them to my smoothie along with all my krill oil pills. He actually has to pop those and pour them in. He does this because he loves me. He shows me everyday how much so and I don’t think I would have made it through this season without him. When I read Psalm 112, I think of him. My Bible has “my husband” written next to this Psalm and this was my prayer as a single woman. Thank you Lord for answering this prayer.
Ken is a good man. Ken is a godly man. Ken is my man. I love him very much!
Psalm 37
I was reading Psalm 37:1-8 and and didn’t realize how many action words were in these 8 verses. It clearly reveals what we are to do and what God will do. I am in no way suggesting that we need to do works in order to gain anything from God but there are things that He commands us to do. When I read my Bible, I often will make 2 lists and write out my part and God’s part. It helps me to see that I am not on the throne (as if I ever was) and that God is in absolute control, always. I found it interesting that it tells us to not fret 3 times and to trust in the Lord 2 times. I think it’s safe to say that we often get stuck in the fretting part (worry and anxiety) which is basically not trusting God. It’s hard to think about not trusting Him completely but seriously, could you imagine what our lives would be like if we truly believed every single word in the Bible and acted like we did?! We would change the world! This is not to condemn but to challenge and encourage us that God will do what He says He will do, we just need to believe it. I’m not going to write out the whole portion of Scripture but click on this link to read it in its entirety.
Our Part:
- Not fret, verse 1
- Trust in the Lord, verse 3
- Do good, verse 3
- Dwell in the land, verse 3
- Enjoy safe pasture, verse 3
- Delight in the Lord, verse 4
- Commit your way to the Lord, verse 5
- Trust in Him, verse 5
- Be still, verse 7
- Wait patiently, verse 7
- Do not fret, verse 7
- Refrain from anger, verse 8
- Turn from wrath, verse 8
- Do not fret, verse 8
- Hope in the Lord, verse 9
God’s Part:
- He will give you the desires of your heart, verse 4
- He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, verse 6
- We will inherit the Land, verse 9
Hopefully back to blogging!
I can’t believe how long it’s been since I blogged. I miss writing so much. What a long year and a half it’s been. I got married which, other than God forgiving and loving me, was the best thing that has happened to me. I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which I didn’t believe until February of this year. Unfortunately, I was one of those people who thought FM (fibromyalgia) was in your head. I decided to go on some medication for it 6 months ago and it nearly made me lose my mind. I was on several different medications to help with all the horrible side effects and I am so thankful that I am off all but one of them. I am weaning off it and will hopefully be done with it in a few weeks. I went to an FM specialist who takes a more natural approach and a Chinese “medicine man” and spent 3 hours with them. I have such a clearer understanding of what has been going on in my brain and body all these years.
All my years of drug abuse, emotional trauma, eating disorders, alcoholism (9 years sober!!) and taking so many different medications has made my brain go haywire. I read a great description of what’s going on with my brain which helped me to explain it to people, because it seems that many people, like I, can’t fathom what FM is or the effects it can have on people. It’s like a circuit breaker that has been overloaded and shut down but mine, due to the above mentioned, won’t reset. You can’t just flip the switch back. My brain is basically offline! The medication I was taking made it go into hyper overdrive and I felt like I was wonder woman. This gave me a false sense of energy and many days I would do way too much and then the next day I would have such severe muscle spasms, migraines and my neck hurt constantly. It seemed like I couldn’t even talk to more than one person at a time because it was just too much stimuli for me. I couldn’t listen to music, be in the sun or go near crowds. It’s been almost 4 weeks since I have been off the meds and I finally feel like I can think, pray, read my Bible and listen to worship music again.
I am so grateful that I cried out to the Lord when I did because I know this is His plan for me right now. I am still fighting bouts of fatigue and my muscles are still in knots and the spasms only come in the evening. I haven’t had a migraine in 2 days and that is huge! When I stopped the meds I had a migraine for almost 3 weeks and horrible vertigo, vomiting and ringing in my ears. Next week I go back to the doctor to get all my blood work back and I am interested to see what else has been going on in my body. The Chinese medicine man is mixing me up a batch of herbal supplements that I have to drink in tea and it supposedly tastes like old tires. I am so excited to be getting my life back that old tires seems pretty tasty to me right now.
James Bible Study
I really miss blogging and so many of my friends have challenged me to start again so here goes…
I started a new Bible study on the book of James written by Warren Wiersbe. This morning I read through verses 1-12 in chapter 1 and a few things really stuck out to me. I think many of us are familiar with the beginning verses that challenge us to consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds. We quote it all the time and we especially love to “encourage” other people in this when they are struggling with their faith. What really got my attention were verses 5-8. The NIV says, 5″If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”
Verse 5 tells us that when we ask God for wisdom, He gives it to us generously and without finding fault. That is an incredible statement made by the Creator of the universe. He is not just eeking out little bits of wisdom randomly, He is giving it to us GENEROUSLY! But this is the part that got me. Verse 6 says if we doubt Him, we are just like the waves of the sea that gets tossed by the wind. Think of a very strong wind blowing around a small boat in the sea. The boat has no choice where it goes, it basically goes where the wind blows it. I don’t know about you, but there is no way I am going to let my faith be dictated by the wind no matter what I may be feeling or what my cirmucstances or struggles may be. I have to make a choice to believe that God is good and His Word is true or I will be like the boat. It doesn’t stop there but continues to say in verse 7 that if we doubt, we may as well not even think we will receive anything from the Lord and verse 8 says we are double minded and unstable. I don’t know about you but I want to believe that if I ask God for wisdom, He is going to give it to me generously and my prayer is that I don’t doubt Him because I surely do not want to be remembered as a woman who was double minded and unstable. I want to be known as a woman who fears the Lord and has the kind of faith that moves mountains. I think it dishonors God when we doubt Him and it also places the emphasis on us and not on Him. I love how Ephesians 3:20-21 puts it, 20″Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!”
New Addition to the Family
I can’t believe that I have been married for 5 1/2 months!! It’s going great and I love being married to Ken. We just added a little puppy to our family and we love her very much. She is a Shipoo (half Shih Tzu and half toy poodle) and she is adorable. Her name is Kiku, which means chrysanthemum in Japanese. She is now 14 weeks old and we have had her for a month. She is very smart and learns quickly as she already knows many commands. She is also a little like me (says my wonderful husband) in that she can be feisty and energetic
She has been a blessing to me and I have so missed having a dog. We also have a 10 year old Golden Retriever who loves her too. They play so well together in the backyard and it’s cute to watch. Boomer (the golden) is such a calm dog and has good energy (got that from Cesar Millan!) and he is a very good influence on her. They chew on sticks together and it’s funny to watch them steal from each other.
My awesome husband keeps bringing her home toys and last week brought her home an inflatable pool. She gets hot quick because of her hair. She loves to put her paws in the water bowl! She absolutely loves being wet and loves playing in her pool. Our Golden (who is supposed to love water) won’t go near it!
Here a few pictures and video.
Can God really use me?
This question and others similar to it have been boggling the minds of Christians for what seems like an eternity. We feel like God can use everyone else but not us because of what we’ve done or not done. We think things like, “how could I possibly minister to anyone or help them out when I am struggling with so many issues?” How can the Lord use someone like me when I keep falling into the same sins again and again? How can I share the Gospel with anyone since they know what my issues are?” These questions and many others have plagued Christians long enough. I myself used to struggle with this until I really grasped the grace of God by reading and studying the Bible. There are so many messed up people in the Bible, it’s like reading a soap opera. So many of our “heroes” of the Bible committed horrible sins and failed many times yet these are the very people that God used.
So much has been written about the failings of David, Moses, Sampson, so many of them I won’t take the time to list, but what about the people God does use? He chose a young virgin to carry the Messiah. How incredible is that? A young girl who was never heard of, had no real significance that we know of, yet she gets to carry the Christ-child? What about the announcement of Jesus coming into the world? A host of angels appeared to some shepherds out in a field to make the most important announcement in the world and the Lord chose to do this to some lowly shepherds. I myselflove Rahab. She is definitely a bad girl gone good. (very much like me) She was a prostitute yet God spared her family. When Joshua sent spies to check out the Promised Land, they went to her and she hid them. She told them that she had heard what God did for the Israelites (led them out Egypt) and she asked them to spare her family when the Israelites would come in and kill all the ickyites (that’s my nickname for the Hittites, Canaanites, Jebusites, etc). They told her to put a scarlet robe out of her window and by doing that, they would not go into her house and annihilate her family. Sound familiar? A acarlet robe, why not green or purple or blue? Don’t miss the significance of the color red. The very same color was painted on the doorposts to spare the Israelites from the death angel. Imagine that! The same blood that saved the Israelites, God’s chosen people, would also be the same blood that would save a prostitute and her family. Rahab ended up living with the Israelites. How amazing that God would use her when the world would think she was unusable.
I talk to so many people who are walking around in condemnation and it is so easy for us to get down on ourselves and think that God can’t use us. The truth is God wants to use us. He needs to use us. We have so much to offer but the enemy tries to pursuade us in thinking that we don’t. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic amongst many other things. I am proof of the grace of God. God is using my horrible past and sins and failures to bring glory to Himself. Who better to help an addict or alcoholic than me? Yet, if I felt shame about my past or didn’t understand grace, I could very well keep it all a secret and in doing that, end up not sharing the hope we have in Christ. If God can use a prostitute like Rahab or a drunk like me, than there is no doubt in my mind that He can use anyone. We have to remember that God has a plan for our lives and if our focus is on Him and His grace and mercy and not on our failures or shortcomings, then and only then can He use us. I pray that we would walk around in God’s grace, knowing and being 100% convinced of His absolutely crazy love for us because that’s when we will realize that no matter how we feel or what we are going through, we are here to further His kingdom and bring Him glory. Today, I pray that we walk in the grace of God knowing that He can and will use us.
4 Week Anniversary!
I can’t believe I have been married for 4 weeks already! I love being Mrs. Ken Bowers! I still need to post pictures on here of the wedding but I am still waiting to get them back from the photographer. I have some that Ken’s daughter Jeanie took that I will post. I put them on my facebook already. The adjustment to being married is alot easier than I thought it would be. I thought that I would have a much harder time since I had lived on my own for most of my life but it hasn’t been hard at all. Ken and are very compatible and we both compromise so it is working out great. I love being home and not working because it has really allowed me to be a great wife and homemaker.
I can’t wait to start writing regularly and I keep holding off because there is so much I want to go back to that has happened in the last year. I think I will just move forward from here because I miss blogging.
Well, here are some wedding pictures. I know this was short, but at least I wrote something!
2 Days and Counting Down!
I can’t believe that in just 2 days I will be Mrs. Rachel Bowers! It seems like I have been waiting my whole life for this moment and now it’s almost here. This last year has been one of the most amazing years of my life. Other than 2001 when I gave my heart to the Lord, this has been the best. Who knew that when I left my former church and job, I would end up meeting my future husband? It astounds me sometimes when I think of the Lord working out His plan since the beginning of time. Everything that we go through and endure is of no surprise to Him. All the tears that we have cried, all the hurt we have felt, all the pain we have gone through. All of this working for our good and ultimately glorifying our Lord.
I don’t think the Lord could have brought together 2 people more suited for each other than Ken and me. Our spritual giftings, personalities and passions are so complimentary to each other that we have a really good balance. The Lord knew exactly what we needed in a spouse and because of His great love for us, gave us each other as a gift. One of the really neat things in our relationships is our ability to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff. We have both had our share of suffering and we realize what’s important. One of the marriage pastors at my old church gave me the best advice and I say it over and over again because it’s really important. In regards to conflicts, he said, “do you want to be right or do you want the relationship to be right?” I think that our pride can so easily get the best of us and we always want to be right. I want to be a great wife and I hope and pray that I don’t put my pride above loving and honoring my husband.
This week has been a week of last minute running around and putting the final touches on wedding stuff. I don’t know how women can work fulltime, plan a wedding, clean their fiances house, clean and pack their own house, plan the move and then look pretty and rested on their wedding day! Ken has blessed me more than words can say to let me “retire” and stay at home. I feel like I have been even busier with all the wedding stuff and moving than when I was working! I am looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and falling into a regular routine. I really miss writing and one of my goals is to blog everyday like I used to, write a devotional book and finish my theology degree, which is just 4 and 1/2 classes away! And of course, serve my man! 2 days away…
Almost Retired!
I can’t believe that in just 2 days, I will be retired. It seems like I have been working my whole life and getting up between 4 and 5 am forever! I hope that one day, I will actually be able to sleep in a little because even on weekends, I wake up most times before 7 am.
I have been training my replacement at work, a fabulous young lady named DJ and I know that she will do a great job. We have had less than 2 weeks to train but I think she’s got it! 2 more days to impart all my wisdom on her, no pressure!! The stinky part is I have to have another root canal this morning then go into work. Hopefully I will be able to talk because we have still have things to go over. Tomorrow afternoon, work is throwing Ken and I a BBQ shower, which will be fun. The theme of the party and gifts is BBQ and grilling and we love to grill and eat! This way, he gets some attention too although we all know who the wedding is about….(the BRIDE, which is me)
I still have so much wedding preparations to do so I am glad that I will have several weeks to focus on finishing everything. I started packing up my beloved books last week but that’s about as far as I got! Thankfully, I have been living a missionary style life and have very little furniture and “stuff” to take with me. We were going to start painting the lower level in Ken’s house but I don’t think I want that added stress right now. We decided to wait until we get back from our honeymoon. Woohoo!! I love saying that, honeymoon! We are going on a Royal Carribbean cruise to Aruba, Curacao, St Thomas and St Maarten. I am so excited because I have never been on a cruise. I still need to shop and get some “cruise” clothes and a few little black dresses
2 days until retirement and 29 until I become my beloved’s bride!!! Thank you Lord!!!
Valentines Day
Yesterday was the best Valentine’s Day I have ever had. It probably has something to do with knowing I am going to marry my best friend in 41 days! Anyways, I think that with most holidays, there is so much pressure to get the perfect gift or outdo everyone you know. I personally have always preferred to make homemade gifts, which is what I did for my man. One of his love languages is words of encouragement so I made a scroll for him with a really cool background with hearts. I wrote down several words that describe him and ways that he loves me. A few of them are leader, provider, protector, romancer, nurturer, etc and then I wrote up a short paragraph about how he accomplishes each one. He loved it. He also wrote for me 10 characteristics about me and wrote up a paragraph about each too. I can’t tell you how close it makes us feel when we do things like this and how it knits our hearts together. He did also get me a pajamagram (3 sets of pj’s) that were absolutely adorable. I can’t believe that next Valentine’s Day, we will be married!
I can’t post without talking wedding so here is a little update. I am so excited because I picked up my dress last week! It is so beautiful and I love seeing it hang in my closet. We got the invitations back from the printers and will be mailing them out this week. How fun! I chose my entrance song for when I walk down the aisle (it’s a secret) and I think it will be really cool. I am very non traditional so I can’t wait to see people’s faces when they hear it
I still have lots of small things to do but I am grateful that I have a man who loves me so much and is very protective over me and my soul. We decided that I would stop working so I resigned and have 2 more weeks left! I feel the stress in my life slowly fading away and I am ready to stay home and serve my man! I will have a whole month to work on wedding stuff until the wedding and am so glad. I have to pack and we are going to paint a few rooms in his house. It seems like I have been waking up at 5 am since I was born and I am tired.
It still amazes me every day that I wake up that the Lord would orchestrate our love story from the beginning of time. He has gone before us every step of the way and has guided us throughout our entire courtship. If you would have asked either of us a few years ago if we would have seen this coming, we both would have said absolutely not. Ken lost his wife to cancer after a long battle and was sad and broken hearted and I thought I was going to be a missionary in Africa and remain single. God had other plans and I am grateful that even through all the heartache, the Lord was working together EVERYTHING for our good. What a testimony our relationship is and will continue to be in the years to come. 41 more days until I become Mrs. Rachel Bowers!!!
57 Days Until the Wedding!!
I can’t believe that in 57 days I will be Mrs. Rachel Bowers! It seems like I have been waiting my whole life for Ken and in God’s goodness and mercy, He brought this incredible man into my life.
7 1/2 years ago, I gave my life to Christ and haven’t looked back since. It was the best decision I have ever made and not only do I get to spend eternity with the Lord, I get to walk out my faith as a brand new creation in Christ. All things in my past are just that, in my past. I have been washed white as snow and have been made righteous not on my own merit, but because of the love, mercy and sacrifice of the One who gave His life up for me. To know that someone has taken all my guilt, shame, hurts, disappointments, sadness, loneliness, heartache and pain just because He loves me so much is astounding. The Savior of the World, Creator of all things, ruler of everything, giving up everything for me. It blows my mind to know that before the Creation of the world, God chose me and knew that on March 27, 2009, I would be marrying Ken. Ken and I have gone through our share of trials and suffering and to know that God had this planned all along is amazing.
I would never choose to live the life I lived before I met Christ. I made alot of mistakes and carried around so much guilt and shame and Christ has taken all that away from me. I am a new creation. I will walk down the aisle on my wedding day in a beautiful white gown because in Christ, I am a virgin. Since giving my life to Christ, I have kept myself pure and God has honored that. He makes all things beautiful in His time. Ken and I have had such different pasts that it’s amazing that the Lord would bring us together. Ken was saved at a young age and although he didn’t have a perfect life, it was pretty good. He was married for 29 years to his high school sweetheart and the last 10 years of her life, she fought and finally lost her battle with cancer. The last year of her life was filled with so much physical suffering, I know it had to be difficult to watch. I can’t help but feel like she prayed specifically for me, which is an incredible sacrifice and must have been one of the most difficult of her prayers. They had 3 of the most amazing kids and they are very close to each other. You can’t go through all that they did and not come out changed. They chose to love the Lord through all that and not become bitter or angry and their lives show the fruit of their faithfulness. I am so blessed to be marrying into this incredible family and I am so looking foward to what the Lord will do. I am the luckiest girl in the world and am marrying God’s perfect man for me.
