Living My Faith Out Loud

This question and others similar to it have been boggling the minds of Christians for what seems like an eternity.  We feel like God can use everyone else but not us because of what we’ve done or not done.  We think things like, “how could I possibly minister to anyone or help them out when I am struggling with so many issues?” How can the Lord use someone like me when I keep falling into the same sins again and again?  How can I share the Gospel with anyone since they know what my issues are?” These questions and many others have plagued Christians long enough. I myself used to struggle with this until I really grasped the grace of God by reading and studying the Bible.  There are so many messed up people in the Bible, it’s like reading a soap opera.  So many of our “heroes” of the Bible committed horrible sins and failed many times yet these are the very people that God used.  

So much has been written about the failings of David, Moses, Sampson, so many of them I won’t take the time to list, but what about the people God does use? He chose a young virgin to carry the Messiah. How incredible is that? A young girl who was never heard of, had no real significance that we know of, yet she gets to carry the Christ-child?  What about the announcement of Jesus coming into the world? A host of angels appeared to some shepherds out in a field to make the most important announcement in the world and the Lord chose to do this to some lowly shepherds.  I myselflove Rahab. She is definitely a bad girl gone good.  (very much like me)  She was a prostitute yet God spared her family.  When Joshua sent spies to check out the Promised Land, they went to her and she hid them. She told them that she had heard what God did for the Israelites (led them out Egypt) and she asked them to spare her family when the Israelites would come in and kill all the ickyites (that’s my nickname for the Hittites, Canaanites, Jebusites, etc).  They told her to put a scarlet robe out of her window and by doing that, they would not go into her house and annihilate her family.  Sound familiar? A acarlet robe, why not green or purple or blue? Don’t miss the significance of the color red.  The very same color was painted on the doorposts to spare the Israelites from the death angel. Imagine that! The same blood that saved the Israelites, God’s chosen people, would also be the same blood that would save a prostitute and her family. Rahab ended up living with the Israelites.  How amazing that God would use her when the world would think she was unusable.

I talk to so many people who are walking around in condemnation and it is so easy for us to get down on ourselves and think that God can’t use us.  The truth is God wants to use us. He needs to use us.  We have so much to offer but the enemy tries to pursuade us in thinking that we don’t.  I am a recovering addict and alcoholic amongst many other things.  I am proof of the grace of God.  God is using my horrible past and sins and failures to bring glory to Himself.  Who better to help an addict or alcoholic than me?  Yet, if I felt shame about my past or didn’t understand grace, I could very well keep it all a secret and in doing that, end up not sharing the hope we have in Christ.  If God can use a prostitute like Rahab or a drunk like me, than there is no doubt in my mind that He can use anyone. We have to remember that God has a plan for our lives and if our focus is on Him and His grace and mercy and not on our failures or shortcomings, then and only then can He use us.  I pray that we would walk around in God’s grace, knowing and being 100% convinced of His absolutely crazy love for us because that’s when we will realize that no matter how we feel or what we are going through, we are here to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.  Today, I pray that we walk in the grace of God knowing that He can and will use us.

I can’t believe I have been married for 4 weeks already! I love being Mrs. Ken Bowers! I still need to post pictures on here of the wedding but I am still waiting to get them back from the photographer. I have some that Ken’s daughter Jeanie took that I will post. I put them on my facebook already. The adjustment to being married is alot easier than I thought it would be. I thought that I would have a much harder time since I had lived on my own for most of my life but it hasn’t been hard at all. Ken and are very compatible and we both compromise so it is working out great. I love being home and not working because it has really allowed me to be a great wife and homemaker. 

I can’t wait to start writing regularly and I keep holding off because there is so much I want to go back to that has happened in the last year. I think I will just move forward from here because I miss blogging.

Well, here are some wedding pictures. I know this was short, but at least I wrote something!

I can’t believe that in just 2 days I will be Mrs. Rachel Bowers! It seems like I have been waiting my whole life for this moment and now it’s almost here. This last year has been one of the most amazing years of my life. Other than 2001 when I gave my heart to the Lord, this has been the best. Who knew that when I left my former church and job, I would end up meeting my future husband? It astounds me sometimes when I think of the Lord working out His plan since the beginning of time. Everything that we go through and endure is of no surprise to Him. All the tears that we have cried, all the hurt we have felt, all the pain we have gone through. All of this working for our good and ultimately glorifying our Lord.

I don’t think the Lord could have brought together 2 people more suited for each other than Ken and me. Our spritual giftings, personalities and passions are so complimentary to each other that we have a really good balance. The Lord knew exactly what we needed in a spouse and because of His great love for us, gave us each other as a gift. One of the really neat things in our relationships is our ability to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff. We have both had our share of suffering and we realize what’s important. One of the marriage pastors at my old church gave me the best advice and I say it over and over again because it’s really important. In regards to conflicts, he said, “do you want to be right or do you want the relationship to be right?” I think that our pride can so easily get the best of us and we always want to be right. I want to be a great wife and I hope and pray that I don’t put my pride above loving and honoring my husband.

This week has been a week of last minute running around and putting the final touches on wedding stuff. I don’t know how women can work fulltime, plan a wedding, clean their fiances house, clean and pack their own house, plan the move and then look pretty and rested on their wedding day!  Ken has blessed me more than words can say to let me “retire” and stay at home. I feel like I have been even busier with all the wedding stuff and moving than when I was working! I am looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and falling into a regular routine. I really miss writing and one of my goals is to blog everyday like I used to, write a devotional book and finish my theology degree, which is just 4 and 1/2 classes away! And of course, serve my man! 2 days away…

I can’t believe that in just 2 days, I will be retired. It seems like I have been working my whole life and getting up between 4 and 5 am forever! I hope that one day, I will actually be able to sleep in a little because even on weekends, I wake up most times before 7 am.

I have been training my replacement at work, a fabulous young lady named DJ and I know that she will do a great job. We have had less than 2 weeks to train but I think she’s got it! 2 more days to impart all my wisdom on her, no pressure!! The stinky part is I have to have another root canal this morning then go into work. Hopefully I will be able to talk because we have still have things to go over. Tomorrow afternoon, work is throwing Ken and I a BBQ shower, which will be fun. The theme of the party and gifts is BBQ and grilling and we love to grill and eat! This way, he gets some attention too although we all know who the wedding is about….(the BRIDE, which is me)

I still have so much wedding preparations to do so I am glad that I will have several weeks to focus on finishing everything. I started packing up my beloved books last week but that’s about as far as I got! Thankfully, I have been living a missionary style life and have very little furniture and  “stuff” to take with me. We were going to start painting the lower level in Ken’s house but I don’t think I want that added stress right now. We decided to wait until we get back from our honeymoon. Woohoo!! I love saying that, honeymoon! We are going on a Royal Carribbean cruise to Aruba, Curacao, St Thomas and St Maarten. I am so excited because I have never been on a cruise. I still need to shop and get some “cruise” clothes and a few little black dresses

2 days until retirement and 29 until I become my beloved’s bride!!! Thank you Lord!!!

Yesterday was the best Valentine’s Day I have ever had. It probably has something to do with knowing I am going to marry my best friend in 41 days! Anyways, I think that with most holidays, there is so much pressure to get the perfect gift or outdo everyone you know. I personally have always preferred to make homemade gifts, which is what I did for my man. One of his love languages is words of encouragement so I made a scroll for him with a really cool background with hearts.  I wrote down several words that describe him and ways that he loves me.  A few of them are leader, provider, protector, romancer, nurturer, etc and then I wrote up a short paragraph about how he accomplishes each one. He loved it. He also wrote for me 10 characteristics about me and wrote up a paragraph about each too. I can’t tell you how close it makes us feel when we do things like this and how it knits our hearts together. He did also get me a pajamagram (3 sets of pj’s) that were absolutely adorable. I can’t believe that next Valentine’s Day, we will be married!

I can’t post without talking wedding so here is a little update. I am so excited because I picked up my dress last week! It is so beautiful and I love seeing it hang in my closet. We got the invitations back from the printers and will be mailing them out this week. How fun! I chose my entrance song for when I walk down the aisle (it’s a secret) and I think it will be really cool. I am very non traditional so I can’t wait to see people’s faces when they hear it

I still have lots of small things to do but I am grateful that I have a man who loves me so much and is very protective over me and my soul. We decided that I would stop working so I resigned and have 2 more weeks left! I feel the stress in my life slowly fading away and I am ready to stay home and serve my man! I will have a whole month to work on wedding stuff until the wedding and am so glad. I have to pack and we are going to paint a few rooms in his house.  It seems like I have been waking up at 5 am since I was born and I am tired. 

It still amazes me every day that I wake up that the Lord would orchestrate our love story from the beginning of time. He has gone before us every step of the way and has guided us throughout our entire courtship. If you would have asked either of us a few years ago if we would have seen this coming, we both would have said absolutely not. Ken lost his wife to cancer after a long battle and was sad and broken hearted and I thought I was going to be a missionary in Africa and remain single. God had other plans and I am grateful that even through all the heartache, the Lord was working together EVERYTHING for our good. What a testimony our relationship is and will continue to be in the years to come. 41 more days until I become Mrs. Rachel Bowers!!!

I can’t believe that in 57 days I will be Mrs. Rachel Bowers! It seems like I have been waiting my whole life for Ken and in God’s goodness and mercy, He brought this incredible man into my life. 
7 1/2 years ago, I gave my life to Christ and haven’t looked back since. It was the best decision I have ever made and not only do I get to spend eternity with the Lord, I get to walk out my faith as a brand new creation in Christ. All things in my past are just that, in my past. I have been washed white as snow and have been made righteous not on my own merit, but because of the love, mercy and sacrifice of the One who gave His life up for me. To know that someone has taken all my guilt, shame, hurts, disappointments, sadness, loneliness, heartache and pain just because He loves me so much is astounding.  The Savior of the World, Creator of all things, ruler of everything, giving up everything for me. It blows my mind to know that before the Creation of the world, God chose me and knew that on March 27, 2009, I would be marrying Ken.  Ken and I have gone through our share of trials and suffering and to know that God had this planned all along is amazing.

I would never choose to live the life I lived before I met Christ. I made alot of mistakes and carried around so much guilt and shame and Christ has taken all that away from me. I am a new creation. I will walk down the aisle on my wedding day in a beautiful white gown because in Christ, I am a virgin. Since giving my life to Christ, I have kept myself pure and God has honored that.  He makes all things beautiful in His time. Ken and I have had such different pasts that it’s amazing that the Lord would bring us together. Ken was saved at a young age and although he didn’t have a perfect life, it was pretty good. He was married for 29 years to his high school sweetheart and the  last 10 years of her life, she fought and finally lost her battle with cancer. The last year of her life was filled with so much physical suffering, I know it had to be difficult to watch.  I can’t help but feel like she prayed specifically for me, which is an incredible sacrifice and must have been one of the most difficult of her prayers.  They had 3 of the most amazing kids and they are very close to each other. You can’t go through all that they did and not come out changed. They chose to love the Lord through all that and not become bitter or angry and their lives show the fruit of their faithfulness.  I am so blessed to be marrying into this incredible family and I am so looking foward to what the Lord will do. I am the luckiest girl in the world and am marrying God’s perfect man for me.

What an incredible year last year was! The Lord blessed me even more than the year before. It’s amazing to me that this same time last year, the Lord really impressed upon me that 2008 was going to be my year. I remember walking around work and church and saying to everyone I came in contact with, “This is going to be my year!” I may actually have bordered on the obnoxious! I had no idea what the Lord would do but I just knew without a doubt that it was going to be my best year since meeting the Lord.

Last year was a year of some hard decisions and I think the 3 most difficult ones were to not only resign my position on staff at my church but to also leave it and find a new one. I went back to Covenant Life (where I had attended for a few months in ‘02) and I just felt so at home, it was incredible. I am so grateful to the Lord and many people’s guidance who challenged me to go there.  It felt like I had been there my whole life. It was difficult to leave all my coworkers who were also my closest friends and my church all at one time. I realized that my friends will always be my friends no matter what church we may be at. We are all part of the Body of Christ, no matter where we worship.

In March last year, I started working at a Christian real estate company where I used to work prior to working for the church. I have a different position but it was great going back because I knew most of the people there. It was an easy transition and I am glad the Lord guided me. It’s also where I fell madly in love with my fiance, Ken. The Lord has gone before us every step of the way in our relationship and it is amazing to think that before the foundations of the world was laid, the Lord knew that He would bring us together!

The other really difficult decision I made was to not go back to Africa. I was supposed to go to Uganda in September and after much prayer and seeking counsel, I knew I needed to cancel it. I am a missions junkie and I absolutely love sharing the Gospel and have done missions just about every year since becoming a Christian but the older I get, the harder it is to bounce back afterwards! When I went to South Africa it took 18 hours on the airplane to come back and it almost killed me! It’s also just physically and emotionally hard.   

One of the prayers I have this year is to start blogging again on a regular basis. It may have to wait though until after the wedding which will be March 27. 76 days!!!! Yeah!!! I am working on our wedding website and will post a link to it soon.

I can’t believe Ken proposed!! I am usually very discerning but I was totally clueless! He is good! Anyways, here is the story of how he did it.

He ordered 12 Precious Moments statues and for the 12 days of Christmas, he changed the name to the 12 days of Rachel (what girl can resist that?!) So each day, I got a present. They were absolutely adorable and each one had a significant meaning. One of them was Belle from Beauty and the Beast and she is sitting on top a stack of books (I love to read) and Ken had them paint on it, (Dream BIG dreams) because those are 3 words that he always says to me. (well, that and I love you!) Another one is a little girl and in her hand is a tiny Tinkerbell and he gave that one to me because he thinks that sometimes I am on pixie dust. Just kidding, it’s cause I am so random and goofy and happy.  Another one is a little boy with his hands stretched out really far apart and Ken had them paint on it, I love Rachel.  Another one has a little girl and boy dancing together and Ken had them paint on it, It’s Your Love because that is one of our love songs. Isn’t he so romantic?!?!

So, on Christmas Eve, he came over and opened up my gifts to him then we went to Clyde’s for dinner (which is where he took me on our first date to let me know his intentions of wanting to court me) and I was glad that this time I wasn’t nervous so I could enjoy my crabcake! So after dinner, we go to his house and I noticed that there are no cars in the driveway which is kind of unusual because when we walked in the sunroom the fireplace was on. (I said to myself, oooooh Bill is in big trouble for leaving the fireplace on!) When Ken opened the door into the house, there were vases all over the floor with pink carnations in them and candles lit all over the place too. There was music playing and it was our love songs on a CD that the lovely Julie (his daughter) made for us. I still had no idea that he was going to propose but I was so overcome by his love for me that I cried for about 15-20 minutes while he held me. He thought I knew he was going to propose but I was clueless. I was so utterly overwhelmed because I have never been loved the way this incredible man loves me that I couldn’t even talk. He asked me a few times if I wanted to open my present and I shushed him!

Finally, I was able to stop crying and could breathe normally again and he handed me a box and told me that this one was a silly gift. I opened it and it was a little boy on his knees proposing to Snow White and Ken had them paint on it, Will You Marry me!!! I was so shocked that I just sat there and stared at it. He asked me if I read what was on it and asked me for the answer a few times! I was still in shock! The he brought out this little princess box and it had a ring in it and he told me it wasn’t real but it would have to do until we bought one! It was beautiful and it fits! Inside the box cover it read, A princess is sweet and charming too, a princess is special just like you.

Yesterday we went shopping and found the ring!!! The only bummer is it has to be sized so I don’t get it for a few days!

It is absolutely beautiful. I guess for now, I will be wearing my plastic one though! I am the luckiest girl in the world and I am so grateful to the Lord for so many things I can’t even begin to thank Him. He knew exactly what I needed in a man and exactly what Ken needed in a woman and I believe that He gave us to each other as a gift. It is so like God to work this miracle in both of our lives and we are so grateful to Him. Pray that our lives would always reflect the love of Christ.

I have been quite busy working on several projects which is why I haven’t written in several weeks. I was praying this morning for someone I know who recently attempted suicide and I felt like I had to write about it.  This lady took an overdose of pills and was in a coma for several days and is still in the hospital. As I was praying for her this morning, I couldn’t help but be grateful to God for how He rescued me from depression and the very pit of hell. Prior to surrendering my heart and life to Christ, I attempted suicide about 6 times. Twice I ended up on life support and in the intensive care unit at the hospital. I should not be alive today yet by God’s grace, I am. 

When I was praying for this lady, I thought back to the times in my life where I felt so hopeless and full of despair and I never thought that one day I would be free. Free from the bondage of depression, free from the bondage of shame, guilt, hurt and alot of other things. I have been told that I have great faith and I can honestly say that my faith is strong because I am living proof of God’s mercy and the truths of the Bible. I am living an abundant life in Christ because He is number 1 in my life and every day I seek Him in everything that I do. That’s not saying that I don’t fail but with Christ there is forgiveness and love.

When I was just starting this amazing journey with Jesus, I memorized Romans 12:1-2 and it has become one of my life verses. These verses changed my life and I learned how to transform my thought process and renew my mind with the Word. I had to learn what God said about me and not listen to the world. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

I pray for everyone struggling with depression and any other kind of bondage that today you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is for you.

It’s so amazing to me that God has brought such an incredibly godly man into my life. I was content being single and if that was going to be my lot in life, I would do it well. Deep down inside though, there was a deep longing. I heard so many times over and over that when I wasn’t looking, it would happen. Well, it happened. I have wanted to cherish my relationship with him and not blog about it but I also want to give God the glory for making it happen.  It’s a beautiful love story and only the creator of love could orchestrate it. Just when I thought life was so good and I was falling more in love with Jesus every day, Ken walked into my life.  He is the sweetest, most tender, gentle, kind man I know and I can’t believe he chose me.  He is also an incredible hunk of a man! He loves me for who I am, with my goofy sense of humor and all and accepts me just as I am. I can be real with him and I don’t have to hide the parts of me that I kept hidden for so long. He challenges me to be the woman God created me to be and I want to know Christ more deeply because of him. We pray together, laugh together, dream together and worship our Lord together. I am so glad I waited for him and didn’t settle for less than God’s best for me because I know that he is truly the man God created for me. I am so glad that I have spent the last several years getting to know Christ so intimately and that my relationship with Him is the foundation of my life.  I pray that as Ken and I fall more deeply in love with each other, we would also fall more in love with Jesus too.

I wanted to continue with more from my previous post from the booklet, A Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. This little booklet has really helped me to change the way I think, feel and act and I hope it does the same for you. It may seem difficult to live out biblical womanhood when the world cries out about women being equal with men but it’s not. God created male and female and He made us very unique and gave us very different roles. I love being a woman and I love my man being a man. There is no confusion about who does what, how we should act, or what God has called us to do.  Because we know our God-given roles, we are both secure and able to focus on more important things. Before I digress and start talking about how wonderful he is, let me get back on track!

So how does a woman of God conduct herself?

Listen to what it says in Ruth 3:11 (KJV), “All the city…doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.”  and in the NIV, it says, “all my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.” Wow! I want to have that kind of reputation! Here are some great questions the author asks:

• Do I have a reputation for being a woman of moral virtue and godly character?
• Do I keep myself pure from all influences that could defile my heart, thoughts or actions?

1 Timothy 2:11, “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.” I used to read this and think this could never be me because quiet is not a word used to describe me but I realized something one morning while I was meditating on this verse. Quietness is not necessarily about not talking or being quiet, it’s about that incredibly peaceful feeling that only the Lord can provide. It’s a quietness of soul. Here’s a few questions:

• Do I receive instruction with a meek, obedient spirit?
• Do I have a teachable spirit?

Proverbs 31:26, “She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”  Our tongues are so powerful and I could go on and on but will save that post for another day. Here are some questions:

• Do I bless my family, friends and acquaintances by speaking words that are kind and wise?
• Do I study and meditate on the Word of God so that I can know how to speak wise words?
• Am I able to point people to specific Scriptures that apply to their lives and needs?

I hope these posts are a blessing to you. They are to me because I need to know my role as a biblical woman. I did not grow up in a Christian home nor did I see what being a woman of God looked like and I so desperately want to be what God created me to be. I want to be blessed and be a blessing.

Several weeks ago I ordered a small booklet that Nancy Leigh DeMoss wrote. It’s called Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. It is a really small book but one of the most challenging to read as a woman. Challenging in a good way of course because we, as women, should always seek to want to be who God created us to be.

It basically tells us why we were created, then the remainder of the book asks lots of questions. These are great questions to ask ourselves and if you really want to know how you’re doing, ask your friends, boyfriend or husband how you are doing! One section asks, What makes a woman beautiful, and I am going to post a few of the questions and verses here because it is so counter cultural and the world is telling us something completely opposite. I am going to be posting more of it in the days to come.

1 Peter 3:4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment…Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” 

• Do others see in me an inner radiance and beauty that are the result of a grateful, yielded, trusting spirit?
• Do I focus more time and effort on cultivating inner spiritual beauty that I do on matters of external beauty?

1 Peter 3:5, “This is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.”

• Am I more concerned about being holy than about being happy?
• Am I placing my hope and trust in God rather than in people?

Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

• Am I more concerned about cultivating my relationship with the Lord than about being fashionable, stylish or physically attractive?
• Do I live in the constant, conscious recognition of the presense of God?
• Do I desire to please God more than I desire the approval of others?

This is just a small snippet of the booklet but aren’t those great questions? I want to be the woman God created me to be and I want to embrace my role as a woman. (So there!)

I couldn’t resist putting this picture on here because some days I wish I had this stuck on my windshield!

I mean, if you are in the fast lane, you need to go fast! Get out of the way if you can’t hang! You’re acting all nervous anyway, I can see you up there white knuckling the steering wheel wishing I wasn’t coming up behind you! Isn’t it easier to just move over instead of holding your ground and saying, “well, I am going the speed limit and if that idiot doesn’t like it, he (or in my case, she) can just go around me!”  Didn’t you read the driving handbook? It says, move over when you see Rachel’s car coming. It is quite simple really. Turn on right turn signal. Look over right shoulder. If there is no oncoming car, get out of my way and get in the left lane. Once you see a silver blur go by, you may get back in the fast lane and start the whole process all over again.

One of my favorite portions of Scripture is Ezekiel 36:25-36. The Lord is talking to the Israelites but it is such a great word for all of us. The first few verses say, “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” 

This is exactly what the Lord did for me. On the day I trusted Christ with my heart, I became a new creation in Christ, the old Rachel was gone in the blink of an eye and a new Rachel was here in her stead. Although He gave me a new heart and His Spirit was in me, it took a few years for me to really comprehend the fact that He made me clean. No longer was I a leper; untouchable, unlovable with my face turned away from God. I have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus. The very Spirit of God now lives in me and is guiding me into truth. The second part of this Scripture hit me one day as I read verses 33-36 and I realized that this is exactly what God is doing in my life now.

It says, “On the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns, and the ruins will be rebuilt. The desolate land will be cultivated instead of lying desolate in the sight of all who pass through it. They will say, ‘This land that was laid waste has become like the garden of Eden; the cities that were lying in ruins, desolate and destroyed, are now fortified and inhabited.’ Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the LORD have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the LORD have spoken, and I will do it.”

I feel like my past was like this land, lying desolate and in ruins. He has breathed His very own breath into me and and is replanting what was barren and desolate. It’s so incredible to think that the God of the universe and Savior of the world not only ransoms and redeems us, He also restores us.  I never would have imagined 7 years ago where I would be today. Alive and living for Christ. Pure and righteous because of what Jesus did on the cross for me. Not because of anything I have done or could possibly ever do but because He loves me so very much. At times I wonder why He chose me and am so grateful He did.

A friend just sent this to me and it really blessed me. It’s a poem from Russell Kelfer.

You are who you are for a reason.

You’re part of an intricate plan.

You’re a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God’s special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You’re just  what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,

And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into His likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God !

It never ceases to amazes me that on July 14, 2001 my life as a new creation in Christ began. Each year around this date, I take myself back to where I was and what I was doing before this. It’s not pretty and I don’t do it to condemn myself but I do it so I never, ever forget the depths that my gracious God pulled me out of. The last few days before I surrendered my life to Christ were filled with drunkeness, sin, shame, despair, depression, guilt and so much more.  About 9 months prior to this, I was in the hospital hooked up to life support machines to breathe for me since I couldn’t do it my own. How does a person get to that point of desperation that the only way out is to take a bottle of pills with a bottle of liquor and hope they never wake up? I can’t even believe that was me 7 years ago. It’s almost surreal because I don’t think I have ever been happier than I am today. To think that the enemies plans for my life almost succeeded but because I am so loved by my Creator that God chose me before time began and has called me for such a time as this. Boggles my mind!

As I look back on another incredible year, I see God’s hand and goodness all over my life. Another year in Bible college, going to Africa last summer, bringing my family closer together, paying off more debt, a new job, great friends who love me, brokeness at the sins in my life, greater faith, another year walking in purity, learning that I am a princess, a new church and a godly man who thinks I am “drop dead gorgeous.”  There is so much more but those are a few highlights. I know this next year will be even more amazing than the past one although to think that my life will get better just blows my mind.

I am going to go dig up my old journals and will try to post some of my entries from around the time of my salvation. It’s always heart wrenching to read about my past but on the same note, so fantastic because I am the result of someone who has been chosen, forgiven, redeemed, cleansed, loved and set free and for that, I will always be forever grateful.

Thank you Jesus for loving me when no one else did. Thank you that before time began, my name was engraved on your hand. A hand that was pierced for me and my sins. Thank you for making me the apple of your eye. Thank you for loving me with an everlasting love. Thank you for setting my heart free. Thank you for taking my mustard seed sized faith and growing it up to where I believe you will move any mountain for me. Thank you that although I am stained crimson, you see me in a white robe. Thank you for making me your bride. Thank you that you are restoring to me what the locusts have eaten. Thank you for taking me out of the mud and mire and setting my feet upon the Rock. Thank you for being the lifter of my head. Thank you that my sins are forgiven from as far as the East is from the West. Thank you that your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.  Thank you that you are loving to me. Thank you for hearing my cries for mercy. Thank you for disciplining me because you love me. Thank you that you are close to the brokenhearted. Thank you that I have been called according to your purpose. Thank you that you are slow to anger and abounding in love. Thank you for creating my inmost being. Thank you that you have ordained all my days. Thank you that you keep no record of my wrongs. Thank you that you never sleep or slumber but always watch over me. Thank you that your mercies and compassion are new every day. Thank you Jesus, for the Cross.

I was reading in Acts 16 yesterday morning and for some reason, I can’t get it off my mind. Paul and Silas has just been severely flogged and thrown into a prison in Philippi and they were praying and singing hymns to God. Every time I read that, I am dumbfounded. If I had just been beaten and severely at that, I think I would be whining and complaining because they really did nothing wrong. Yet, here were these 2 godly men, with their feet in stocks in the inner cell singing their hearts out to God.  It’s interesting that we are told the prisoners were listening to them because whether we want to believe it or not, people are always watching us. They want to see if we walk our talk and as I have said so many times, we often fail.  The story goes on to say that their was suddenly a violent earthquake and all the prison doors flew open. When the prison guard saw this, he drew his sword to kill himself because he thought all the prisoners had escaped but Paul yells, “don’t harm yourself, we are all here.” The next statement the guard is asking them what must he do to be saved. Unbelievable! As I was thinking about this yesterday and today, it struck me that this guard asked them about salvation, not the other way around.  Could you imagine if our lives reflected Jesus and our love for God so much that people would stop us and ask us, “what must I do to be saved?”  I imagine the guard probably thought Paul and Silas to be crazy. They has just been beaten and they were singing to God!! I can hear them singing, Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  Wow. I continued to read the rest of the chapter and not only did the prison guards whole family come to know the Lord, but Paul and Silas actually went to their friend Lydia’s house once they got out. It says they met with the brothers and encouraged them. The last thing I think I would want to do after I had been beaten and up all night was go to someone’s house to encourage them! I would have wanted a bed STAT and about 12 hours of sleep. I was really challenged by this but also encouraged. It seems like most of my testing comes when I am at my weakest and tired and to know that God gave these 2 men spiritual strength to do what He called them to do reminds me that He will do the same for me. All I have to do is allow Him to do it!

Vacation was great. I am definitely going to be taking more time off in the future. Relaxing and playing are such an important part of life and necessary. I had a blast with my nieces and nephews at the beach and although I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep, it was worth it. My 3 year old niece slept with me most nights and she is the wiggliest thing. All night long she tosses and turns and almost pushed me out of bed a few times! She is used to falling asleep with music on but we didn’t have it so she asked me to sing her a song. I sang the Revelation Song and there is a part that goes, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.” She was so adorable and asked me what holy holy means. I shared about God with her and she was really listening to me. The next night we were all snuggly in bed again and she laid her little hand on my cheek and asked me to sing the holy holy song again. It melted me!  

We walked the boardwalk and I finally got to eat funnel cake, yummy! We caught frogs by the lake (well, I confess the kids caught them, I watched). I did touch one though! Yuck. We made s’mores in the fire pit and danced to MC Hammer in the yard. The kids were cracking up as I was busting my move and getting my groove on.

I am glad to be home because I missed this really cute guy and although we talked everyday, it’s just not the same.  We texted so much that my little 7 year old niece would ask me every five minutes, Auntie Rachel, what did he say??? I cracked up. She would go boogie board in the ocean and as soon as she came out of the water, she would ask me if he texted me. Funny girl.

Life is good. I am so blessed and thank God every day for my new life He has given me. I can’t believe that in 9 days, it will be my 7th birthday as a new creation in Christ. July 14, 2001 was the best day of my life and I am constantly amazed at how much the Lord loves me. God continually pours out his blessings on me and once again I stand in awe of Him.

Finally, a vacation. I am so excited because we are going to the beach soon and I can’t wait to feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face.  I came down with family and my nieces and nephews are so excited. Last night they were so wound up they couldn’t fall asleep, which of course kept me up! I doubt I will get to take a nap on the beach as the kids already have the whole planned on what I am doing and when I am doing it! Bossy little things.

It was a long day of driving yesterday and when we finally arrived to the beach, I was singing and praising God and my 7 year old niece asked me what I was singing. I was listening to Casting Crowns when we pulled in so I was singing that song the woman singer sings. I think it’s called “I know you’re there.” It goes, “I know you’re there, I know you hear me, you are the air I breathe, you are wind beneath me.” I think that’s how it goes, anyways, that’s how I was singing it. My niece said you are singing about Jesus right? I was like woah, yeah I am.  She then told me that when you breathe in Jesus, it goes into your heart and makes you feel really good. I was blown away, she is 7 and just finished vacation Bible school so I guess her little spirit is feeling sensitive to the Lord. It was the coolest thing.

There are days when I am totally astounded at the things the Lord is doing in my life.  Just when I think life can’t get any better, it does! I received an incredible blessing yesterday and as I was thanking God, I kept asking Him, over and over, why me Lord? My life so full of joy and peace when there are so many others who are hurting so badly.  I can’t help but be awed by it. Several years ago a friend told me that God has His hand on me and has shown me favor and at that time, I didn’t really get it. I know He has His hand on all of us but I really feel it. I am beginning to understand the truth in that statement. And just so you know, that certainly doesn’t mean my life is easy, perfect or without trials. It means knowing the Lord is there with me every step of the way and with every breath I take and that He has absolute control of my life. There is a comfort and security in knowing that He is sovereign and that all the days of my life have been ordained from the beginning of time. In Jeremiah 1, it says before I formed you, I knew you. The Hebrew word that is used for “knew” is an intimate knowing. Can you imagine? The Creator of the universe knowing us intimately? To know that He spent time forming us and giving us each certain gifts and characteristics and our personalities. I know that some of that comes from our experiences and upbringing but I like to think He gave me my wacky sense of humor! 

I am so excited to be going on vacation tomorrow. I haven’t had one in about 5 years and I need it desperately. I was going to go back to Africa in on a mission trip and I really felt like God did not want me to go. I argued for about 4 months with Him, which doesn’t even make sense since He always wins! I sought wisdom from several people because I really, really wanted to go and I had so many people tell me not to. I am very thankful now because although I am a missions junkie, you can’t give what you ain’t got. I am tired. I need to be rejuvenated and I am so looking forward to some time at the beach with my brother, sister in law and their 4 kids. I know you must be thinking how can you rest with 4 kids!! I can because I am the Auntie and all I have to do is play. I am so grateful for them and that I see them all the time because they bring incredible joy to my life. 

So I will be out of the blogosphere for a week or so. I am sure I will have lots to blog about when I get back and lots of pictures to post.

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t quite like that but it was close! I checked yes!

Well today was a very heavy heart day and I was going to write about it but it is already past my bedtime and my brain is once again short circuiting. I wanted to end it on a positive note so I will talk about my second favorite ‘C’ in my famous 4C Creed that I live my life by. Oh, you don’t know about my famous 4C creed?? It’s what I can’t live without: Christ, coffee, chocolate and chapstick! So obviously coffee comes AFTER Christ.

You Might Be a Coffee Addict if…  (and by the way, I can quit any time I want to!) * Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
* You’ve ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning. (is this wrong???)
* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. (it’s how I get my exercise!)
* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee. (like I am getting ready to do)
* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen. (hellooooo)
* You’ve ever used the airplane’s Call button just to get a coffee refill. (isn’t that what I’m supposed to do??)
* You can’t remember the last time you blinked.
* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups. (I do have 3 plates… and tupperware)
* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you

Happiness….

This morning I was reading through one of my Bible studies, A Woman of Excellence and I came across something that I wanted to share. If you know me at all you would know that I absolutely love words. I love reading phrases and quotes. Anyways one of my favorite authors is AW Tozer and here is a quote from the book, “We must practive the art of long and loving meditation upon the majesty of God.  This will take some effort, for the concept of majesty has all but disappeared from the human race.”

How sad but so true. In our society it is so easy to get and stay distracted. We are constantly on the go and if you are like me, you like to be entertained.  Last night, after a very heavy rainstorm, I went outside to put the dogs away for the night and I saw the full moon.  I live out in the country and it is so beautiful and peaceful and quiet.  I was watching the clouds go by the moon and it was kind of eerie looking but so cool.  The crickets and other insects were making little love noises to each other and the air had such an incredible smell. I know that must sound like I am nuts, but I think this is what AW Tozer was writing about.  I was thanking God for His creativity and how He made everything so different and special. I can’t help but think of Psalm 19 when I am getting my Creation fix. Anyways, I walk up to the garage feeling all spiritual and close to God and as I opened up the door to let the dogs in, a big fat frog jumped over my feet! Talk about freaking out. I may have actually screamed because it caught me so off guard.  The moment was gone. I was focused on keeping the dog from head butting the frog and off of me. Funny how things change in the wink of an eye.

In the famous words of myself, Oh mylanta! I have been doing homework for the last few hours and my brain is most certainly going to explode. Why oh why do I need to know about pantheism, metaphysics and the cosmological and ontological argument for my bachelors degree?!?!?!?! Who invented systematic theology anyways because if I find him, I’m gonna whop him on his head. I love reading the Bible so why can’t I just read it and use my school book as a foot stool in my bathroom?? I can’t even look in my mirror without standing on my tippie toes anyways.

ok, I feel better whining a little although I just recalled that I am supposed to do everything without complaining or grumbling. Pppffft phooooey 

So I get my Systematic Theology book in the mail Saturday and could barely carry it in by myself it was so heavy! It has to be a good 2 1/2 inches tall and I looked through it and decided that I wasn’t quite ready to start learning about metaphysical precondition or theism or the anthropic principle so I got in the pool instead! I am off to a great start! So right now, I should be reading the thing but instead I am blogging.  My other book for my class on Biblical Worldview didn’t come yet so I guess I can put that one off for a little while.  I did however get the questions emailed to me by my advisor and right off the back I have to write a 5 page paper on my worldview as I know it based on the Bible or what I have been taught about Christian principles. That might actually be fun because it helps me to remember why I have been set apart.  I have only 5 classes left including these 2 and I am praying that I can get them all done by the end of the year. I am thinking I am not going to go for my masters unless I get a really, really, really, really clear audible message from God telling me I should! Just kidding but I don’t think I could write a thesis at this point in my life.

On another totally different note, this season of praise I am in has me really listening to the words of a lot of songs. Have you ever just sang along and not really thought about what you were singing and then all of sudden, it’s like a light bulb goes off in your head and you realize what you are singing? It just happened to me a little while ago. I was driving home from work and the song Majesty, (Here I Am) came on the radio and the words really penetrated my heart for some reason.  The chorus especially where they sing:

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Isn’t it marvelous to be empty handed and have absolutely nothing to give but because of Christ’s incredible love for us, we have everything we need!! I am so glad we have worship music and so many talented musicians. Ok, I guess I have rambled enough. Homework, here I come.

I have been praying for a very long time about writing a book but it seems like I can never find the time to get started on it. I want to write about my testimony and how much my life has changed since I surrendered wholeheartedly to Christ. I have some really cool ideas and one of them is to have parts of my journal in it from before I became a Christian. It shows how hopeless and full of despair I was and I want to share the hope that I received to others who may be hurting like I was.  Every now and again I pull out the old journals and I am amazed at how different my life is now. I still have struggles and trials but I now have someone with me every step of the way. Someone who loved me when no one else did, someone who loves me with a perfect and everlasting love.

I am now praying about writing a devotional and I have started putting it together from some of the devotions I have written on this blog. I love sharing my life in Christ and the lessons I am learning and if any of it can help someone to have a deeper walk with the Lord or learn from my mistakes, challenges and trials then it will be worth it. Jesus taught using parables and I think it helps us to hear stories and see how Scripture can be applied to everything in our lives. 

A couple of my friends and I went to a singles’ event this past week and I wanted to jot down some of the things the pastor said.  His message focused on our expectations as single adults and how we can be dissapointed and even angry at God for Him not bringing us a spouse.  He said we may be wondering what’s going on and something that struck me as he was speaking was a question he asked, “have we possible stepped out of God’s will.”  He then went on to talk about Luke 6:46 where Jesus asks the people, “why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?”  I love that about Jesus, He just gets right to the point and He always asks questions.  A pastor I know uses a great illustration to describe this. He holds up a cup and then explains how God wants to pour so many blessings into it but if we are not situated properly underneath the cup, the blessings will not end up in it because we are outside of God’s will.

We are called not only to listen but to obey as well.  In the first chapter of James it talks about listening and doing and then being blessed by obedience. I am in no way stating here that if you obey God you will get your man (or woman for that matter), what I am suggesting is that maybe we have put seeking a mate above seeking God. The pastor went on to talk about our trust in Christ and asked us if we trust Him enough. Enough to obey and put our lives on the line for Him? I pray that He gives me strength because there is no way I can obey Him without the continual filling of the Holy Spirit.  I know He has given me the grace I need to be in the season of singleness I am in now and although I desire to be married, I love the season of praise I am in now. 

On another note, I think I will pass on these singles’ events in the future. Talk about pressure! Everyone is staring at everyone else and although I know you need to be around people to meet people, this is not my idea of fun. I felt like such a dork just standing around but it was kind of fun to watch people.  I know God is not going to bring me someone at my door via Fed Ex but I have to believe He is sovereign and that He has a plan for my life and that He hears my prayers.  I made up a list of character qualities from the Bible a few years ago that I want my mate to have.  I gave a copy of it to a few of my friends so they can hold me accountable to stick to it.  I don’t want to meet someone in a crowd who is simply attracted to my outer self.  I want someone to be attracted to my inner beauty and see my love for the Lord and I want to be prayed for. I know that may sound weird but I want to know that someone didn’t just walk up and ask me out but that he sought the Lord and prayed over me. (It could be the reason I am still single!!) Proverbs 31 says, “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.”

I can’t believe how much love I have for my Lord Jesus.  The very thought of being completely surrendered to Him just amazes me. It must be a gift from God because I never learned what love was like growing up. To be able to feel and know how much He loves me is even more incredible.  I know I have been writing a lot about this but I really love this season of praise I am in. I have been listening to worship music and singing at the top of my lungs and I do get some weird looks when I am driving. I can’t help it if I wave my arms in the air in my car!!

Anyways, we sang this song in church this Sunday and I almost couldn’t even sing it because I was trying to not bawl my eyes out. Is it just me or do you sometimes get so overcome by emotion when you are singing to the Lord? We sang the Revelation song by Kari Jobe and I will put some of the lyrics here. You have to listen to the song though because the words don’t do the song justice. 

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

I was cleaning like crazy this morning and decided I wanted to move one of my bookshelves. As I started taking the books off the shelf, I came across several of my old journals.  I really wish I would journal more because I really enjoyed reading about my life 3 years ago and it gave me a peek into what was going on in my heart.  I know I blog alot but it’s not the same, since I know this is on the internet for all to see. Journaling is more personal since it’s for my eyes only. I wanted to post one of the days that I wrote in Sept 2005.

Read John 2:12-25 this morning, “When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts He found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money.  So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables.  To those who sold doves He said, ‘Get these out of here!  How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!’  Then the Jews demanded of Him, ‘what miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?’  Jesus answered them, ‘Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.’”

I usually read this part of Scripture and focus on Jesus being angry. Instead I was pondering how we want proof and to see miracles in order to believe.  It’s sometimes easier to focus on these “miracles” instead of doing the hard part which is to live by faith, not by sight.  We ask for signs from the Lord because we want to “know.”  We want to have that warm and fuzzy feeling instead of standing on God’s promises.  I pray my faith might increase.  I pray that I would be so attuned to the voice of the Lord. Help me to believe that You have my best always.

It’s funny how what I wrote 3 years ago and still applies today.  I need to stand on God’s promises, I need to wait on Him. I feel like all I do is wait but I know that one day, my eyes will opened to His plan and I will be so blown away!

I was planning on writing about a Bible study I have been doing on the Tabernacle.  It has been one of the most fascinating studies I have ever done.  I used to shy away from the Old Testament because I didn’t understand it and I thought it wasn’t as important as the New Testament.  I fell in love with the OT when I had to take a survery of it for a class in school.  I was amazed to find out everything in the OT points to Jesus in the NT.

Anyways, I was going to write about the Tabernacle and as I was looking something up, I came across Deuteronomy 23:14, “The Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you.  Your camp must be holy, so that He will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.”  As I read it, I felt like God was speaking to me and it really cut to my heart. The Lord also says, “be holy for I am holy.”  Not only are we to be holy, our entire camp is to be holy. Set apart. In the world, but not of the world. And the last part of the verse about God turning away from us, that is a very sobering thought.  I know we are filled with His Spirit and sealed and all that but to think that if there is anything indecent among us, He will actually turn away from us. It reminds me of Psalm 51 that David wrote after he was confronted with his sin with Bathsheba from the prophet Nathan. David cried out, “Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.”   How David must have felt to write that.  I think we sometimes think that we can’t feel God’s presence or we may even think His Spirit has left us like King Saul but the truth of the matter is that we have to examine ourselves very carefully. What is in our camp? Is there something indecent among us? Is it because of something we are doing that is keeping God’s presence from us?

I pray that if there is, the Lord would reveal it to me.  The challenge is in hearing it.  I usually don’t have to ask twice! I am so glad that His mercies are new every day. I am so glad that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to not only forgive us but to also cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.  I am so grateful that although my sins are like scarlet, I am made new, like freshly fallen snow. I am once again, in absolute awe of my Creator.

As I was driving into work this morning, I had a little worship service in my car.  I was listening to my fake ipod with my favorite worship tunes on it and pondering the things of God, like creation. The trees, flowers, leaves, the cows and sheep I pass everyday. I know I am always talking about how much I dig creation but as my very good friend LaToya says, it’s my love language with God.  It really is and so is worship so the two together is absolutely incredible.  I was singing my heart out and praising God for who He is and what He has done in my life, which is miraculous. It made me think of something I read recently and it has been in my heart for days now.  One simple sentence yet so profound.  “Awe precedes faith.”  Read that again, “Awe precedes faith.”  It reminds me of being a kid on Christmas morning and waking up with such enthusiasm and expectation of what my present would be.  That feeling of excitement, the build up days before and more so on Christmas Eve. Not being able to sleep.  Could you imagine if we woke up every day in anticipation of what God would do to and through us? If we would just wait on Him and listen to that still small voice He speaks to us so often with. What would our faith look like? What would our actions look like?  Are we in awe of our Maker? I pray that I would never, ever get complacent in my faith. I want to be in a constant state of awe. I want Him to show me things that I can’t even imagine. Awe. 3 letters but it carries the weight of so many more.  When was the last time you were in awe of who Christ is and what He has done for you?

This Sunday I went to a different church that I have been visiting lately and we sang a song that I hadn’t heard in a long time. It moved me to tears and I really felt the presence of God and it was almost overwhelming. I love it when that happens and I sometimes wish it would happen more often but I don’t think I could handle it. It’s almost too glorious if that makes sense! Anyways, the song is Be Unto Your Name. Putting the lyrics here would not do the song justice so I found it on youtube. Listen to the words and take a minute and think about everything the Lord has done for you and everything He has forgiven you for. Amazing, utterly amazing.